People of Portland, To Arms!

January 3rd, 2009

*

It was a week that will live in infamy.  It was a ceaseless attack, a vicious assault on the good people of the Northwest, one which will leave us with physical and psychological scars for years to come.  There was an impending sense of panic that was slowly ebbing its way into our minds and souls, but none of us could prepare for the horror heading our way.  Homeland Security must be mobilized, this attack cannot go unanswered!

The achromatic killer was waiting for us all, playing on our worst fears and turning us against each other.  Or so it felt as the weather witches began predicting little white flakes of powdery death to begin falling from the sky, blitzkrieg style sometime in the coming week.  Prepare now!  Buy water!  Buy batteries!  Make sure the pets are safely tucked inside!  They were predicting up to half an inch of white kill-water!  Half.  An.  Inch.  Run for your lives!

For those cursed to live elsewhere, Portland and the Northwest in general, have a mostly temperate climate, excluding the higher elevations.  It rains frequently and consistently, but the temperature rarely falls below freezing.  But on the few occasions that it does and the white pellets of hate descend, anything over an inch to two inches can lay the Portland metropolitan area and its roughly 2 million inhabitants inert.  The city will essentially shut down, the streets will empty, and the gears of the city will grind to a stop.  And like the witches predicted, the enemy attacked, screaming over an inch and a half of pure malice upon us.

The end was nigh.  A blanket of death crept from the heavens to judge us all, and those with heat and ample provisions gazed down on us like the Rapture had claimed them, and only us sinners were left to remain out in the cold.  It began dropping doom on us early in the morning, and the first casualty was the color.  The bastards stole all the color from the world and replaced it with white.  Within three hours we might have even had a quarter inch of snow.  Thankfully there were no reported fatalities.

Needless to say, the proverbial shit hit the fan and people freaked out.  The city shut down, and the voodoo people on the idiot box screamed mortal warnings of doom for anyone foolish enough to go outside.  Yahoo weather called it simply “light snow”, but we knew the truth.  Oh yes, we knew…
After a few days of living like animals under a blanket of snow, there were shockingly no casualties to report.  Unless of course the snow swallowed them.  The streets were beginning to carry those with adventurous spirits, despite the closing of most schools and many businesses.  Supermarkets began to fill again, and bars surrounding the closed businesses were filled with those needing a drink with a side of irony.

When the city began to move again, many returned to their routines.  Those of us that made it back to our jobs were able to see the sparks of life return to the city.  There was still the occasional Hollywood style explosion when cars collided, or at least that is the impression the television gave us, but life returned to normal and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

We had received less than two inches of snow, the city shut down for two days, but life was returning and we had weathered the storm.  We laughed, we chuckled, we moved on and enjoyed the time we took off of work.  It was a break, a vacation for many of us.

And then it snowed a foot.  A goddamn foot in a city that was crippled by two inches.

A week after our defenses had been tested, the true enemy emerged.  A foot of snow, weather’s equivalent to a chemical attack.  The serrin gas of the precipitation world.  It kept coming, the kill water.  More and more.  As the sixth inch began to accumulate it became more and more obvious that not all of us would be making it out alive.  With the growing accumulation of frozen hate on the ground, it was time to call our families and say goodbye.  A Viking funeral is the only way to go in situations like this.  And may God forgive those of us that survive, for what we have to do.  Like TS Elliot said, this is the way the world end, not with a bang but a whimper.

Thankfully many of us stocked up like it was Y2K all over again.  Those that didn’t, began looking at their roommates or neighbors like one starving loony toons character sees another in the visage of a giant turkey leg.  Not a good way to go, but when under attack from faceless, merciless enemy, survival is not an easy game.

It is a week that will be remembered for decades to come.  The dead will be mourned as victims, despite what the so called “doctors and nurses” say about it just having been their time to go.  We know the truth.  Like any well planned attack, transportation was the first to be crippled.  The airport closed and streets were blocked to all of us, even those brave enough to own a giant SUV in the homeland of the eco-crazy.

When you scare a deer, the deer will usually startle for a moment, then run.  But when the trauma coming towards the same deer is so intense, the deer will stand still from the sheer terror of what is coming, and it will then make a tasty- but gamey- delicacy.  Needless to say, where an inch and a half to two inches of snow can cripple a city, a foot will bring it to new levels of fear.  Apocalypse now.  But cold.

There is only one possible reaction to this, we need to launch a pre-emptive strike against the Earth.  Portland simply cannot survive another unprovoked attack of this scale, we need to strike first.  It won’t be easy, and the cost will be dear, but with a resolute will and a steely determination, we can succeed.  If only George Bush could have won a third term.  He has the right type of experience for a mission of this sort.

Until that day of our righteous crusade comes, we Portlanders…Portlandians…Portlandaneese… will brace and do our duty.  We will not go quietly into that snowy goodnight, we will rage against nature until the coming dawn.  The warmth of the Spring sun charge like cavalry in only a few months, we can hold the line.  Now we must research.  After all, how hard can it be to make a flamethrower at home?

Archives; I Heart the Primaries

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. I MAY have even underestimated the popularity of that “Obama” guy. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

*

Must Not Sleep…Must Warn Others…The Democratic Primaries are Coming…
Sunday December 02, 2007
*
Back when I was still half a pint short of being able to ride the big boy rides, I asked my Mom if I could grow up to be President one day, and she said ‘yes’. That was a mistake. She gave me some rhetoric about eating my vegetables and doing my homework and other such nonsense, but essentially said I too could be President. Well the day has come, and I want what is rightfully mine. I still believe in the idea that I could be President, but all the dead hookers would cost lots of money to cover up, and frankly I am a cheap bastard. Despite that the office of the President is essentially mine by the right that my Mommy said, so whoever wins in ’08 will just be borrowing it from me.

So instead of running I offer this primer for the 2008 Presidential primaries for my fellow members of the Desolation Generation that are equally convinced that the office is theirs by right. If you are wondering what the Desolation Generation is, in short it is what I call the current disillusioned generation that grew up in the shadow of Watergate, Iran Contra, and soliciting cops for gay sex in Minnesota airport bathrooms. It is the generation that grew up seeing a candidate win the popular vote but lose the election to a man that would become the least respected President since that bastard Andrew Johnson. It is the generation that has grown up under the idea that image really is everything, and facts are what people believe, not necessarily what the truth is, and actual merit is rarely rewarded unless it coincides with a solid image. It is also the generation that grew up having to pay for their internet porn after a brief, but glorious period of freedom. It isn’t right! Who’s with me?! Anyway, more on the DG at another time.

In following politics it is good to have a favorite, but you also have to remain detached. For example I myself like Obama, yet I am detached enough to call him a coke whore after he radically underestimated the media’s desire to portray facts over truth when he foolishly admitted to being a real human being in his autobiography and said that he had tried cocaine. Stupid junkie. Remaining detached is especially key to following the debates, and if you follow and support the GOP, this is essential, as actual campaigning has been replaced by the debating style known as “Fuck you that’s why ’08″. They barely even blame Hillary for everything that is wrong with America anymore. Dems are equally as bad, but there is more of a determined leader board, so the attacks are more defined, and in many cases several of the Presidential runs seem auditions for Cabinet positions. Ever heard of Mike Gravel? You might after he takes office as Secretary of Transportation, or something akin to that.

With all politicians campaign fundraising is a key issue, but as Ross Perot and Clinton proved (the horny Clinton, not the Arkan-Yorker), having the most money isn’t necessarily all that important. Still some candidates are being buried due to lack of money, and probably not in this election, or even the next few, but eventually it would not be surprising to see candidates wearing corporate logos on their suits, ala Nascar. Imagine Bill Richardson wearing a giant blinking ‘Kools’ logo on his back; it could support his campaign 3 times over. Toss another company that is in need of some solid non-negative exposure on there, like ‘Blackwater Private Security’ for example, and the sky is the limit.

I am hesitant to start with the GOP simply because they are doing a better job of ripping each other apart than I could, and I don’t want to look bad early, so to the Democratic race it is (listed in order of current standings in the polls, from last place on as tabulated by www.realclearpolitics.com).

MIKE GRAVEL (Former Senator from Alaska, Spearheaded ending the Vietnam draft, Number one among the “who the hell is that” contingent)- Most people will have to Wikipedia the guy to know he was even from Alaska. Famous for once filibustered for 5 months. His lack of notoriety outside of the Northwest, along with his support of gay rights, virtually eliminate him from the South Carolina primary. 2% of the vote will be a moral victory, but moral victories don’t pay the billz, yo.

DENNIS KUCINICH (Representative of Ohio, Former mayor of Cleveland, Possible space alien)- Kucinich has repeatedly confirmed that he saw a UFO, but despite the fact that millions of other Americans have reportedly seen UFOs as well, when you are running for the post of President of Earth (more or less), you should probably try to avoid firmly aligning yourself with the bat-shit crazy vote (the aluminum foil wearing bat-shit crazy kind, not the evangelical bat-shit crazies). Although their numbers in America are strong and growing, they tend to get lost on the way to the polls when something shiny shows up to distract them. Kucinich’s bewilderingly hot wife aside, he will probably last a few primaries before heading back to the mother ship. Oh, and he was also voted one of the worst big city mayors of all time, but he did introduce a motion earlier this month to impeach Cheney, which is funny, so he has that going for him.

CHRISTOPER DODD (Senator from Connecticut, Second generation Senator, Once seen smiling- allegedly)- Possibly the whitest man in the Democratic Presidential field and the least charismatic as well. He is well suited as the Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, one of the sexiest jobs in Washington. Came out against the “Peru Free Trade Agreement”, a sure fire way to get national headlines, as well as his support of mandatory community service for all High School students. They can’t vote yet, so this is a small factor. Dodd’s record and stances are commendable and laudatory; he has stood firm against massive opposition, and in most cases was ahead of his time in his stances including protection of civil liberties, increasing children’s healthcare coverage, stringent environmental supporter, and consumer protection against predatory loans. Unfortunately he is as dull as a dead herring.

JOE BIDDEN (Senator from Delaware, Chaired the confirmation hearing of Clarence Thomas and helped the name “Long Dong Silver” into the American lexicon, Snappy dresser)- Possibly the best dressed person in the Democratic Presidential field, Bidden is one of those guys that few know exactly who he is or what he does, but they recognize him as “that guy”. As far as history goes, Bidden has been involved with some well known, and well received laws including the creation of a “drug czar”, a move that has been extremely well received among drug runners and pro-drug comediennes. A supporter of the war in Iraq, Bidden has suggested and pushed for a change in policy to make Iraq more federalized, thus giving the various warring factions a measure of autonomy within Iraq under one central federal government. This makes sense, and will therefore go nowhere. Senator from the destination vacation hotspot of Delaware, Bidden stirred a bit of controversy against Indian-Americans when he said “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking”. Open mouth, insert political alienation. His run is most likely the first step towards Secretary of State.

BILL RICHARDSON (Governor of New Mexico, Former Secretary of Energy, Nicknamed Kim Jong Bill for his North Korean negotiations)- One of the few politicians running for President that actually has executive experience, which effectively means he will not win as common sense has no place in Presidential elections. The only Latino running for President, thus Karl Rove is working to have him deported. Possible VP candidate to complete the minority ticket after Hillary has Obama killed. Likes long walks on the beach.

JOHN EDWARDS (Former North Carolina Senator, Former Vice-Presidential candidate, Cannot communicate with the dead and has never hosted a TV show on Sci-Fi Channel)- Former half of the legendary “flip-flopper duo”, Edwards, aka the Smiler, is a repeat among new programming. Destined to become a reoccurring character among the Democratic Presidential nominations for years to come, Edwards is the day old meatloaf leftovers in the fridge of the 2004 election. After failing to generate significant interest to beat the dullest man on Earth, John Kerry, Edwards became something of a non-entity. He was always moderately interesting as a candidate, but he hasn’t done enough to gain any more interest than the last time. In his off time, Edwards spearheaded a college movement called “Opportunity Rocks!”, designed to encourage college students to get involved with the homeless. Sexy. For a guy planning a second Presidential run after losing as VP in ’04, perhaps something more useful would have been in order.

BARACK OBAMA (Illinois Senator, The top choice of the youth vote as well as the Oprah vote, has been proudly serving America for over 3 ½ years)- You might have heard of this guy. Currently number 2 in the primary polls as well as in fundraising, Obama (sadly not know as B-Rock, but give it time) has become the poster boy for the 2008 Democratic Party. Odds are he will lose in the primaries, but he has become a symbol of change to the Desolation Generation who have been repeatedly alienated from lack of sympathetic politicians. B-Rock’s biggest problem is also his greatest strength- his experience, or lack thereof. After the most disastrous American President in history (time will confirm that), and the dramatic polarization of politics, someone like B-Rock that came in with no baggage and a message of optimism, plus having a healthy dose of charisma, he was a natural to catch the attention of the youth vote, the disillusioned, as well as the story hungry media. Unfortunately with that well hyped naiveté comes the fear that he will become Carter reborn- a good person with good ideals, but little understanding of how to get things done in DC. It also comes with a lack of “cover your ass mentality” as evidenced when B-Rock recently released an autobiography that admitted drug use. Within days, the story had evolved, and instead of a story about Obama overcoming a difficult childhood and breaking free of dozens of pitfalls, the story was that Obama was freebasing coke off of Thai hookers that were shooting ping pong balls out of themselves. This is a slight exaggeration, but sadly not by much. B-Rock still has a chance, but it will all come down to the Desolation Generation’s motivation to get out and vote for him in the primaries, so pretty much no chance at all. An interesting, but complicated possible running mate for Hillary, Obama would add to Hillary’s youth, Midwest, and African-American voter base, but all three bases are already strong for Clinton, and if Obama loses they will naturally congregate to her anyway. There is also the fear that the Cletuses of American will have a hard enough time voting for a white woman, not to mention a white woman and a black man. Plus B-Rock and Hillary seem to hate each other with the burning passion of a sun, which could prove tricky.

HILLARY CLINTON (Senator from New York, Somewhat well known husband, The reasons America is suffering right now according to Republicans)- The clear and undisputed leader in both the polls and in fundraising, raising somewhere around $725 billion dollars. That might be a bit of a high estimate, but the Clinton fundraising machine is well experienced after helping her husband raise millions from Arkansas, a state not traditionally known for its wealth, education, or teeth. Hillary has been the Democratic frontrunner since 1972 (or at least it feels that way) and partly because of that she is a polarizing figure amongst Republicans who like to blame her for everything from invading Iraq to Global Warming to Brittney Spears. Even before Kerry’s run- well trot- towards the White House, Clinton has been speculated to covet the Presidency, something she has never denied. Her record is solid, although not entirely impressive. Like many, she voted in favor of attacking Iraq, as well as authorizing the use of force even before all diplomatic avenues were exhausted; then like almost every Democratic Congressperson, recanted and has since voted against everything Bush has proposed from the increase of troops, to potty breaks for the Cabinet. She is strong behind the scenes, and few can rival her White House experience as First Lady but her politics have become more or less anti-what everyone hates, and pro-whatever everyone likes. In other words, she is a true politician, and has the skill, support, and intelligence to both win the Democratic primary, as well as the Presidency. Plus having Bill as the first First Man would be hilarious.

POURING OUT A LITTE FOR OUR HOMIES (aka HONORABLE MENTION)- Candidates that withdrew or chose not to seek election.

AL GORE (Former VP, Former Senator from Tennessee, Loves wife Tipper a LOT)- After winning the Nobel Peace Prize, the already significant movement to encourage Gore to run again picked up even more momentum. After all, America tried an ignorant, warmonger, good ole’ boy, so it was only fair that the opposite was represented. Despite this, Gore chose to remain on the sidelines and campaign for the awareness of global warming. Hippie.

TOM VILSACK (Former Governor of Iowa, Chairman of the Democratic Leadership Council, Loser)- Considered by many to be the front runner for VP to Kerry before Edwards popularity became obvious. Vilsack was quickly crushed after raising just enough money for a Big Mac value meal (although he was able to super size it). The first casualty of the election, he now supports Clinton.

TOM DASCHELE (Former Senator from South Dakota, Former Senate Majority Leader, Currently unemployed)- After much rhetoric, like Vilsack, Daschele found himself quickly bitch slapped out of the election do to being broke. Now supports Obama.

JOHN KERRY (Senator from Massachusetts, Former Democratic nominee, Dullest man alive)- Despite a crippling lack of charisma, humor, or personality of any kind, Kerry’s plucky go at the White House was set to spawn a sequel. Thankfully he was stopped. Now supports somebody, but the speech of support was so dull no one could follow it.

MARK WARNER (Former Governor of Virginia, Running for Senate seat in 2008, Cited Nancy-boy reasons of not wanting to disrupt family as reason to not run for President)- As a Democrat Warner won the traditionally red state governorship of Virginia, and is well liked by both parties. One of the front runners for a VP-ship. Many outside of the East Coast do not know Warner’s name, but you soon will. Warner is from the forgotten tribe of moderates that once roamed the land freely in great numbers.

For the love of God Iowans, run for your lives. January 3rd is just a few short weeks away. By the end of the January 29th Florida primaries, there should be a clear leader, and all the second tier Presidential wannabes have to decide if it is worth the millions of dollars they will need for that all important moral victory. Fear and common sense never did have much of a place in politics, especially when it comes to elections. I will return with a GOP primer as well that I am looking forward to writing a lot more than I probably should be, so if you liked this blog, look for the next soon.

*

—————————————

*

GOP Primary Love

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

*
Like the unwanted Christmas cards you get from distant family relations or old friends who actually just sent the card in order to open dialogue and ask to borrow something, I am back with my GOP Presidential Primary breakdown. I have been looking forward to writing this for a while now, since the GOP is simply so absurd at times that it lends itself to mockery like butter lends itself to bread.

While the Dems have an established leader board, and barring some major changes, the top 3 candidates are fairly well placed, the GOP primary is much more f-ed up. There are clear leaders, but they differ by region. For example Rudy Giuliani is the overall leader nationwide, but Mitt Romney currently leads in Iowa. There is also a bewildering increase in Mike Huckabee’s numbers, while Fred Thompson’s numbers continue to suffer from his costly mistake of actually appearing and speaking in public. While once the GOP debates focused on how Hillary and the Democrats are responsible for everything wrong in the entire universe from terrorism to the possible arrival of an Earth bound meteor in the year 2348, the candidates seem to have strayed from that tactic and instead decided that highlighting every possible mistake their opponent may have possibly made in their lives, is instead the best tactic to winning the nomination. Make no mistake though, the Democrats are just as bad but the current times and party lines have made the GOP the party of dislike, in the sense that many of the nominees stances are built around what can be seen as dislike of a group or groups; Immigration, gay rights, and Guantanamo Bay guests to name a few. It really isn’t fair to shove all the nation’s civil rights problems on the Republicans, but they deal with them so horribly that it is kinda funny to do so, and since their last nominee is at least partially responsible for a few of the bigger problems, it is fitting as well.

Although the Democratic nominations are heated and there might be some animosity between the candidates, most will be able to put aside their differences once the nomination is firm (and Cabinet positions, plus a VP selection are imminent). In the GOP primary however, it is probably fortunate that dueling is no longer legal or there might suddenly be a shortage of rich white men. Well, no, probably not, but it would be ugly. If they ever decided to serve the candidates alcohol during the debates it would turn ugly. My money would be on McCain though. Old or not, that guy is tough. It would make for entertaining TV though.

Listed in order of overall support, according to www.realclearpolitics.com ‘s average of all the polls together- but with the GOP, there is so much disagreement that an average is the best way to go. Giuliani is the leader in most polls, but some show that both fear and common sense have no place in polling, and thus Huckabee is tied with Giuliani in Iowa while others show him 3rd or 4th. Same for Romney- some polls show him tied or leading in Iowa, but others list him anywhere from 2nd to 5th.

DUNCAN HUNTER (Representative from California, Former Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, Hates Mexicans)- Something of a war hero due to his time in Vietnam as an Army Ranger, Tancredo has since made his political career through support of the military and the troops. Overall a fairly moderate politician on most causes. Most. Staunchly pro-life, attempted to draft a bill that would make abortion murder, Hunter is also well known from proposing the Great Wall of America, a 754 mile reinforced fence that would define the US/Mexico border and protect us from a possible Mongolian invasion from Mexico apparently. He also made headlines for attacking contractors that badly overcharged the government for household items like the infamous $700 nails, $5,000 hammers, and $22,000 mini-fridges; then followed that up by earmarking millions of dollars for the DP-2 aircraft, which has had four test flights since 1991 and four crashes. Sweet irony. Most polls show Hunter near the bottom, and many do not list him at all.

TOM TANCREDO (Representative from Colorado, Evangelical Christian, Also Hates Mexicans)- Possibly best known for being thrown out of the White House by Karl Rove after taking his life into his own hands and screaming at the uber-mensch adviser that illegal immigration equals terrorism, and remarkably did not have is soul swallowed by Rove’s real bosses; Tancredo leans so far to the right he alienated George Bush. Think about that for a moment. Let that roll around in your head for a minute. Feel that cold shiver run up your spine? Ok, get it out of your system. To his credit, Tancredo has always been less concerned with his own political career than doing what he considers right. Unfortunately what he considers right is shared by about 2% of the populations, many of those being out of their fucking minds. A few of Tancredo’s more colorful stances including listing Mecca and other Muslim holy lands as potential first target nuclear retaliation sites, his desire to stop all immigration- both legal and illegal, and that if Congress truly wants to be diverse they should do away with the minority caucuses…because white Congress people are so trustworthy I guess. In the neighborhood of GOP candidates, Tancredo is the curmudgeonly old man that none of the neighborhood kids want to get caught by after kicking their ball in his yard.

RON PAUL (Representative from Texas, Former Libertarian, More Liberal than 50% of the Democratic Candidates)- Because both parties need a Kucinich, Ron Paul find himself moving up the polls due to his promises of doing away with Federal income tax, advocating non-interference in foreign policy, and free candy for everyone! The candy thing is a bit of an exaggeration, but Paul’s ideology is not far off from that. His rhetoric is astounding, and his stances are idealistic, and therefore somewhat impossible to take seriously. There is no question that Paul has done some good as a politician and he has earned a solid cult-like following through his laws to curb the power and influence of Congress people through term limits, as well as regulated Congressional salary increases for inflation only. He also proposed legislation to force a 10 day waiting period between the introduction of a bill and the vote to ratify that bill, in order to give the voters time to thoroughly read the bill. This came as a direct result of the 300 page Patriot Act that was passed within 24 hours, a bill Paul actually read, and so firmly opposed. Paul’s also believes that that the Federal courts should not pass judgments on moral cases such as abortion, same-sex marriage, and religious questions and that should instead be left to the determination of each individual state. All that being said, Paul also said he wants to get rid of the Department of Education, end Federal taxation, and he wants America to become more isolationist when it comes to foreign affairs- all of which sound good but have as much chance of becoming laws as Brittany Spears does of just going away. Paul is one of the most effective politicians in office today, a moderate to the point of possibly being more liberal than conservative, and has repeatedly attempted to stop legislation that has later proven to be unpopular, but despite all that his stances on some things make him seem somewhat radical to the moderate voter. In other words, Paul, Like Kucinich, is talking about radical sweeping changes the government despite the fact that maybe 1 in 5 Americans know his name.

MIKE HUCKABEE (Former Governor of Arkansas, Ordained Southern Baptist Minister, Bat-Shit Crazy)- Currently the fastest rising member of the GOP primary group, but number one among fundamentalist out-of-their-mind-crazies that love Jesus to the point that they will beat you to death if you don’t believe in the charity of Christ. Despite a well received tenure as Governor of Arkansas, plus a somewhat charismatic personality, Huckabee is a believer in Biblical inerrancy. For those unfamiliar with the term, that means Huckabee believes that the Bible is totally without error and free of all contradiction. This includes fairly widespread Christian right wing beliefs such as creationism versus evolution, being Gay is a sin, and other wacky fun. To put it in perspective (although he hasn’t said so) he believes that eating shellfish is a sin (Leviticus), and owning slaves is alright as long as they are from a neighboring state (Exodus). Putting aside the countless criticisms against Biblical inerrancy, including the fact that God made the Catholic Church the seat of God on Earth and yet Huckabee is a Baptist, he has smartly managed to downplay the depths of his beliefs while becoming a gravitating figure for the hardcore members of the Christian right. He states that his religion is not a factor, but the guy believes that everyone that isn’t Christian is going to Hell. Huckabee is also a devout Arkansas Razorbacks fan despite the fact that touching the old “pigskin” is a sin, but whether his sacrificing cows will affect his standing with vegetarians is still unknown. On the plus side he does follow Christian ethics (the listed ones, not the fun add-ons like torture, burning at the stake, and other fan favorites) including the idea that helping people in need, such as immigrants, is his Christian duty, and possibly most important of all Huckabee has been endorsed by Chuck Norris. Yes THE Chuck Norris, the Texas Ranger himself. Huckabee very recently was listed as high as a tie for first in some Iowa straw polls and others show him as a possible 2nd place nationwide, but the majority of national polls list him 3rd or 4th. Once the field narrows a bit, Huckabee’s solid but unimpressive record, plus the whole bat-shit crazy thing, should make the nomination unattainable. At least everyone that doesn’t believe you have the right to stone your neighbor to death if they are idolaters (Leviticus), should hope. That being said, he will be a frighteningly good fit as a VP for Giuliani who needs the appearance of morality to gain the Christian Right vote, plus Huckabee could help Giuliani carry the Southern swing states. Giuliani is pro-choice (for now at least) and Huckabee has said that he would have difficulty accepting a role working for or with someone that accepts abortion. He didn’t say no though…

MITT ROMNEY (Former Governor of Massachusetts, Leading the Iowa Polls, Believes that a Guy Who Quoted Scripture out of a Hat was a Prophet)- Although leading in the Iowa polls, and 2nd in the national polls, Romney is best known as being the “Mormon” candidate, and with Good reason. Although not as bat-shit crazy as, oh say just for example, a Biblical inerrancy believer just for example, Mormons live in their own world, and those religious beliefs continue to hound Romney. As Governor of Massachusetts Romney not only helped balance the budget, but actually helped to create a surplus, but he probably most famous for his fight against gay marriage and civil unions, going so far as to fight his own state’s Supreme Court and enact a law from 1913 that prohibited out of state couple from marrying if it was against that state’s laws- a rule designed to prohibit interracial couples marrying in Massachusetts. Shockingly, using a law that was written to legally discriminate a minority, to discriminate against a minority, did not go over very well in historically liberal Massachusetts. Romney has repeatedly stated that despite his stance he accepts and will protect (most of) the rights of gay and lesbian couple, but like cigarettes, sex, sugar, alcohol, coffee, fun of any kind, and tea, Romney was forced to except the perversions and sins of his voters, so his promise of support has been viewed with skepticism. Putting that aside, the main feature of Romney’s campaign is his Mormon religion, and so much attention is being placed on it, possibly because there is not much else to focus on. His one term as Massachusetts Governor was otherwise uneventful, and when he left office he had a lackluster 42% approval rating. Despite the criticisms against him his stance against gay marriage and his mediocre approval rating in the liberal state of Massachusetts, his stances could actually help him with the more traditional conservative Republican voters, so the criticisms from a liberal state, might actually be benefits for conservatives. Where Romney truly shines though is in the Republican debates. He is open to people, charismatic, and willing to field difficult questions, and on top of that, he is unafraid to drop such bombs as “shucks”, “bologna”, and even once “gee-whiz” (seriously). Although somewhat dated, Romney’s attitude has actually created a good foil against Giuliani’s more “colorful” past and blunt style of speaking. Whether Romney’s charisma can propel him to the White house will be seen, but if Giuliani is elected do not expect Romney to make a VP or Cabinet appearance, as Giuliani will most likely have Romney “disappeared”. Those two do not like each other, and by-golly, they show it.

JOHN McCAIN (Senator from Arizona, Former POW, Roughly 134 years old)- McCain has gone from being the crossover hope of the GOP to another politician in a long line of politicians. Gone are the days when McCain would declare someone “a pompous self-serving son of a bitch” to the media as he did in ’89 with then Moral Majority leader, Paul Werich. Ironically the attitudes and stances that could have helped him in this primary are the stances that led to his loss to Bush, and are precisely the things McCain did away with. In 2000 McCain frequently criticized religious leaders like Jerry Falwell, a noted Evangelical pro-segregationist, one time critic of Martin Luther King Jr., and overall douchebag, yet McCain’s recent campaign may has been seen by many as “jumping the shark” after he accepted an offer to deliver a commencement speech at Falwell’s Liberty University. Once the guy you would expect to fight against social wrongs by finding the culprit and publicly bitch-slapping them, McCain has less resembled a political Batman and instead is more of a political bum, begging for support anywhere he can gain it. Still, this last May fellow Republican John Coryn accused McCain of joining an immigration debate at the last moment for political exposure and McCain diplomatically replied, “Fuck you!”, to the previously bored press corps delight. That is the McCain that at one time was viewed by liberals as the best GOP candidate! He also brought a smile to the hearts of children everywhere with his impromptu song “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran” after being asked his opinion of a possible conflict with Iran. Then when asked if his song was insensitive he followed up with “Insensitive to what? The Iranians?” He also called the Vietnamese “gooks” to a crowd of Asian-Americans and said that then 14 year old Chelsea Clinton was ugly. All in all McCain is a colorful guy with across the line appeal, political savy, and great charisma, but he is absolutely dreadful at running Presidential campaigns- like an alcoholic advertising Mad Dog bad. Although trailing in most polls to Giuliani and Thompson, McCain could probably still beat both of them senseless.

FRED THOMPSON (Former Senator from Tennessee, Well Known as an Actor, Only mediocre success in his Most Difficult Role- that of a charismatic politician)- For several months Thompson was considered the great hope of the GOP. His face was easily recognized due to his acting career, and he had a lengthy career in and out of Washington on top of his acting. For several months as Giuliani and Romney continued to make fun of each other’s haircuts, suits, and occasionally political stances, Thompson rapidly ascended the polls with a brilliant and thoughtful strategy of doing nothing at all. As the mysterious dark horse, Thompson’s campaign crafted an image of staunch conservative values mixed with personality that took no prisoners but heard every voice, or so said his 15 minute campaign video which was put together by Hollywood producers after the original version directed by Michael Bay featured too many explosions, making it hard to hear just how bad ass Thompson was. Thompson managed to keep the mysterious candidate vibe working in his favor despite a fairly light voting record, a scarcity of bills introduced, and a general knack for picking unpopular people to support including Nixon during Watergate and more recently Cheney’s scapegoat-aka Chief of Staff- Scooter Libby. Despite all that Thompson continued to climb in the polls as his much anticipated debut to the debate circuit neared. As the excitement became palpable, Democrats everywhere were pleasantly surprised to see that Thompson had the charisma of a block of wood. A well dressed block of wood sure, but a block of wood nonetheless. Thompson’s numbers have been steadily declining since. The inevitable movie of the rise and fall of Fred Thompson will no doubt capture the drama very well.

RUDY GIULIANI (Former New York Mayor, Has Run for Office as Both Democrat and Independent, Also Known as Rudia When in Drag)- The current leader of the GOP nominees according to national numbers, also the most recognizable of the GOP candidates due to his time as mayor of New York, especially his leadership immediately following 9/11. Besides being the most recognizable, Giuliani is one of the most controversial nominee as well. Adultery, ethical shortcomings, and cross dressing aside, Giuliani’s time in New York was a colorful one, so much so that he declined the position as Secretary of Homeland Security, allegedly because he did not want to go through what would have been a brutal nomination process; instead Giuliani recommended his friend, former NY Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was subsequently discredited for hiring illegal immigrants, and recently plead guilty to two ethical violations. Credited with killing the homeless- er… helping the transients off the street- there is no question that Giuliani’s results as Mayor of NY were generally favorable even if many disliked the way he got there. He has always been brash, outspoken, arrogant, and pushy- in short a typical New Yorker- and that has won him both fans and enemies alike, but he has always had the ability to have people forget that he is a politician, and instead come across as the guy next door. In short he comes across as more human and accessible than the majority of the candidates. He is also a very moderate politician, and has been praised for listening fairly to all sides before making a judgment. Somewhat depressing that it is a praise worthy event if a politician actually bothers to LISTEN to other people, but that alone puts Giuliani above many others in his party and it makes him much more likable than some of his rivals. Love-or-hate personality aside, he has also been criticized for taking credit- or at least more credit than he deserves- for some of his actions, including some of his claims of accomplishments after 911. He has also been known to shift the blame for things that are proven to have been under his control. One infamous example is that Giuliani decided to house the NY Emergency Response Offices at 7 World Trade Center Plaza, despite vocal fears from numerous critics that after the 1993 attacks, the WTC was a prime target (7 World Trade Center was among the buildings severely damaged by the fall of the towers). He is also cited as the person to make the decision not to pay for radio upgrades that would have allowed all rescue personnel to use the same channels, instead opting to keep the radios that became infamous after 911 for their costly inefficiency. To be fair, both are examples seen through hindsight. His personal life will also become something of an issue as he nears the Presidential nomination, what with the pesky adultery and leaving his wife and children for his mistress while in office, not to mention the numerous ethical questions Giuliani has been hounded by throughout his career, plus his own mouth will work against him. Despite that, he is easily the most entertaining and engaging of the GOP candidates, and he has the inside line for the nomination. Despite these criticisms, Giuliani is a politician, and if a fellow GOP politician can advocate anti-gay rights legislation before soliciting sex from an undercover officer in a mens bathroom and then still be nominated to his state’s Hall of Fame, Giuliani can overcome pesky criticisms like being an asshole. In fact the reason so much is being made of his shortcomings is that he is likely to be the Republican nominee, so the media are just warming up and taking their stretches. If he and Hillary both receive the nominations, expect the dirtiest campaign in American history. And that is saying an awful lot.

POURING OUT A LITTLE FOR OUR HOMIES (aka HONORABLE MENTION)- Candidates that withdrew or chose not to seek election:

SAM BROWNBACK (Senator from Kansas, Early Frontrunner for the Evangelical Right Vote, Douchebag)- As a native of Kansas, I say goodbye and good riddance.
JEB BUSH (Former Governor of Florida, Early VP Candidate, Brother of Neil Bush)- Dear God, no more Bushes, no more….

JIM GILMORE (Former Governor of Virginia, Chairman of the Preparedness Council at the Homeland Security Office, GOP Primary First Blood)- After being convinced to form and exploratory committee after numerous “draft Gilmore” movements cropped up, Gilmore formed a committee to explore the possibility of forming a committee to explore a run for the Presidency. The first committee came back favorably, and an exploratory committee was formed. During this time, 7 other candidates emerged, and Gilmore formed a committee to explore other options.

CONDOLEEZA RICE (Secretary of State, Former National Security Advisor, Puppet)- Has said she has not ruled out a run for President, so America went ahead and did it for her.

RICK SANTORUM (Former Senator from Pennsylvania, Coined the Phrase “Compassionate Conservative”, Utter Piece of Shit)- Please go to www.urban dictionary.com and search for “Santorum” for the best possible description. A despicable human being that uses his religion to preach legal intolerance and hatred. In another life under different circumstances, this guy could have been Hitler. If he ever becomes President, Canada will receive at least one new citizen.

And that covers all the major players. This late in the game it really isn’t possible for another challenger to enter the race on one of the party’s dime, so one of the people listed above or in the Democratic Primaries will be the next President. There is also a chance that Nader could shock the world and take the Green Party to the White House- just as there is also a chance that scientists will discover that binge drinking is good for you, fingers crossed- but both seem somewhat unlikely. There is also the chance a rich white guy…an unaffiliated rich white guy that is, could run as an Independent and surprise everyone ala Ross Perot. At least until ninjas in the form of Republican operatives come after the candidates daughter (again, seriously). If that happens, they most likely will not have a chance at the Presidency, but they could and probably will act as a spoiler for someone, so anything could happen. To those that enjoyed reading this, cool. To those that thought it sucked, well, like, that’s just your opinion, man.

Archives; April 2007

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

*

Nothing But Repeats Thursday, April 05, 2007
*

It has been awhile since my last blog, but really I haven’t had anything to say.  Everything in politics seems to be in repeats at the moment.  Key official in Bush’s administration under fire for lying about a politically motivated maneuver that cost people their jobs?  Check.  The White House backhandedly agrees to help then makes it as hard as possible to get to the bottom of it?  Check.  Bush has an ambassadorial nominee Congress won’t vote into office citing reasons of douchebaggery, so Bush appoints him anyway without Congressional approval?  Check.  A Clinton raises a butt load of money for their campaign?  Check.   Republicans and Democrats hate each other?  Double check.

So what is a political junkie to do?  Thankfully there was March Madness to fall back on…until Florida repeated their championship run, and beat Ohio State which was a repeat of the college football championship.  Damn.  There is a steroid scandal in baseball…crap.  Royals just lost…moving on.

Ok, well there is always the world of entertainment.  Brittney Spears is being weird.  Shit, seen that before.  Katie Holmes may be pregnant…F.  A star of the Fox show “simple Life” might end up in jail, no…some actress is getting a divorce…some pop star is whining about paparazzi…celebrity baby momma drama….Shit!  Nothing new there either.

So that is why I haven’t posted a blog in awhile, there has been nothing worth posting.  I could go on about Attorney General and his whacky mess, or how the White House said they would cooperate as long as it wasn’t official and didn’t count, plus it had to be off camera in private and in sign language translated into brail then it could be read to the Congressional committee by a Lithuanian that doesn’t speak English, but haven’t we covered that before with Scooter Libby?

I could also focus on Bush appointing Sam Fox, a Republican fundraiser that was facing a losing confirmation battle with Congress, mainly because of his unrepentant donations to the “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth”- oh, by the way, does everyone know that the Swift Boat vets that slammed Kerry for lying about his military records were pretty much proven beyond a shadow to be absolutely full of shit?  Yeah, most don’t, and it probably cost Kerry the election. Well that and his lack of personality, but still.  Anyway, Fox won’t apologize, and the Dems hate him a bunch, so Bush waited for Congress to adjourn and appointed him anyway as an ambassador.  Again.  Bolton’s term as UN ambassador expired, so Bush was due a “fuck you, that’s why” to Congress.  At least Fox is just ambassador of Belgium.  It isn’t like we can piss them off enough to declare war on us right?  Right?

So I will be back when the time is right, I just wanted to post something and say hi to both my faithful fans.

Archives; State of the Union 2007 Parts 1-4

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

My State of the Union Address Part 1-                                                                Politics
January 3, 2007
*
2006 is dead and buried, and the cogs of the societal machine continue to spin, so somewhat surprisingly, we humans failed yet again to destroy our world, but credit must be given for the effort we put forth to try.  I am jumping on the bandwagon here and putting out my year in review; unwanted and unasked for though it might be.  2006 is 2001′s bitch, but it was still an interesting year and I wanted to get a few of my thoughts down in a personal memory purge so I could get them out of my head and continue on with the daunting task of paying attention in the new year.  It was a dark and dangerous year typified by failures in our society and our government, but topped with the delicious icing of seeing the Neo-con way of life being voted out of office in what was as much a judgment on the strategy of the country more than the ousting of certain politicians, and the year ended on a higher note than I thought was possible as 2006 began with a whimper.  Still, not to be outdone, politicians on both sides of the fence did not fail to gloriously disappoint me, nor did many of the truly dumb acts that littered our country like roadkill on a highway of life.  (I also would like to apologize for that phrase “highway of life”, it is the first thing that sprang to mind).

For me the thing that stands out the most vividly of 2006 is the mid-term elections.  Not only did they change the shape of the country, and disavow the failings of the outgoing government, they happened recently so I still remember them, and I don’t have to do a google news search for top stories of 2006 to remember.  Big plus for me.  Despite the fact that Democrats still have no well defined plan other than to do the opposite of what the Republicans do, they promoted bi-partisan co-operation but have made little to no effort to achieve that, and are hanging on to control of Congress by a heartbeat (literally a heartbeat in South Dakota), they did a masterful job of positioning themselves as the harmless neighbor that wants to be your buddy.  They essentially took the role of good cop to the Republicans last 6 years of bad cop, and it worked.  How much of the Democratic strategy was successful versus people in general getting fed up with the state of affairs, is a matter of debate, but however it occurred Bush is now a lame duck.  And again, I would like to thank the people of Pennsylvania for voting out Rick Santorum.  I know I should probably let it go, but this guy pisses me off.  He thanked God for allowing him to serve as long as he did, so by that logic, I guess I will thank God for helping vote him out.  Now if God would only get to the smiting I would be happy.

You can have skipped every single news cast all year, and probably guess that there were several Congressional scandals as well.  There were so many that I need trading cards to keep up, like the kids at comic book or gaming stores that play the D&D type games.  “Oh, you have a lobbyist scandal at plus +22 corruption?  Well I counter you with a Senator harassing his young male pages +36 fucked up!”.  Sadly it is so common that it isn’t even surprising, and behind that pesky war in Iraq thingee, voters cited corruption as the number two motivation for their vote.  I could go on and on and on and on, etc, etc about this particular subject, but I will refrain for sake of the 3 people that haven’t already stopped reading this.  C’est la vie.

How can a state of the nation post go on without a section dedicated to our beloved President.  After the continued non failure failure in Iraq, North Korea and Iran pretty much giving America the finger while jerking off gleefully over their new atomic toys, as well carrying the lowest approval rating since Nixon post Watergate, I’m here to say give the guy a break.  Unlike many, I do not think Bush is in anyway stupid.  Horrible with that pesky En-ga-lish language though he may be (hey, I hear English is one of the most difficult languages to learn), I just think he is a spoiled rich boy that found God and thinks the rest of us peasants are dumb and need direction, then he expected us to shut up and do what we are told like good little surfs.  I genuinely believe that his lack of answers for…well…anything is not because he doesn’t have answers, but because he was not prepared for people to actually question and doubt him.  As Nixon said, if the President does it, it is not a crime, and I believe Bush feels strongly that that is the case.  I didn’t end well for Nixon either, so hopefully history will bitch slap Bush for his arrogance and he will be free to go on and take over another company, then run it into the ground just like everything else he has been involved with.  Perhaps with his newfound spare time he can go about redecorating the White House.  I’m sure he will do a fabulous job, as long as he has the support of a staff of semi-competent monkeys and God.  Shit, he is going to do it all in lime green isn’t he?

It has also been the year of the declining Hollywood whore, and I am sorry to see it go.  All the truly remarkable wastes of skin seem to have finally used their 15 minutes of fame and are embarking on a fresh 15 minutes of infamy.  The days of Paris Hilton’s lazy eye and truly remarkable stupidity seem to finally have worn thin on people, and she thankfully is taking down Brittney Spears with her- or at least helping speed Spears’ descent.  And can anyone tell me exactly what it is that Nicole Ritchie actually does?  Anyone?  And what the fuck is a K-Fed?  Seriously, what does it take to truly alienate the public?  How much crap do we have to swallow until people collectively scream enough, no more!  Mel Gibson can go on an anti-Semitic rant, blame it on the demon that is alcohol without taking any personal responsibility, then still open a Mayan language movie at number 1.  I wish I was rich and famous so I could be totally useless, shit all over my adoring fans, then make even more money for putting out, oh say, a horrible CD displaying my lack of talents but featuring a picture of me half naked on the cover ala Hilton.  Well maybe not me per say, but the point remains.  Maybe if we take Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and all the other useless twats that think they are talented enough to put out an truly awful album, and think they deserve the love and adoration of people everywhere even while they do things that would make Larry Flynt stop and say “what the fuck?”, then drop them over in Iraq.  Al Queda will feel sorry for us and leave us alone, knowing that those idiots are one fan away from bringing about the certain doom of Western culture.  C’est la vie.

I could rant for hours, but instead I will break here and continue on later to avoid posting a blog that is the size of a short story.  More to come.

*

—————————————————-

*
State of the Union Part 2
Entertainment January 4, 2007

*
Moving on from the President and dirty whores, 2006 also saw its fair share of tragedies in the form of really rich and important people we will never have met, passing away and saddening us all.  Still fresh in our minds is of course Soul King James Brown and Gerald Ford, our most beloved President  that was never elected for an executive office job.  It has been said many times lately that Ford was a very decent person, which is possibly why he lost his bid for (re)election.  Well that or pardoning Nixon.  Without mud to fling, how can we poor, dumb Americans know who the better candidate truly is?  He lived a good life that was long and full of interesting things, so hopefully he passed well.  Then of course there was Anna Nicole’s son, who has become a footnote into the silly baby daddy drama that has followed in the wake of his death.  So much so that sadly I have forgotten his name.  At least he gave the media something to focus on for awhile.  They must have been bored, what with the war in Iraq only gradually getting worse.

We also lost the television great Aaron Spelling this year, and TV will never be the same again.  Without Spelling I never would have gotten a real sense of how hard it can be for uptight white kids to grow up in Beverly Hills.  From him I also am surprised that I have yet to be shot, stabbed, beaten into a coma, discovered I had a child to only then discover it isn’t really mine which would lead to me being shot/stabbed/beaten into a coma, or realized that every girl in certain areas of California should be a model because ugly people apparently are just something that happens elsewhere.  He will be missed.  And although it happened 10 years ago, it was good to see JonBenet Ramsey’s murder drudged up from the depths when John Mark Karr decided to confess to it.  I’m sure OJ was thrilled to know that even 10 years later the true perpetrators of a heinous murder could in fact be brought to justice.  But I’ll get to OJ later.  Despite the fact that Karr was found innocent by reason of the fact that he is a fucking fruit loop, it gave us all a bit of morbid entertainment, and what more could we ask for.  C’est la vie.

This leads me to perhaps one of the biggest stories of 2006, the death of Steve Irwin, or more accurately the attack of the stingrays.  Irwin was just the first victim of stingray aggression in 2006, and he will not be the last to face these rats of the sea.  I ask you all in joining me to ask for God to grant my prayer that all these vicious so called “creatures of the seas” will be smited.  I’d also like a pony if you are able to work that in.  Irwin’s death was a shock to most of us, as he seemed like a genuinely good guy that loved life, and I for one am tired of these motherfucking stingrays in the motherfucking ocean.  You will be avenged, Steve.

There was also a very important “near miss” in the death column, as now former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon clings on to life, despite the massive stroke that left him in a vegetative state and caused a transfer of power in Israel that saw Ehud Olmert take the role of Israeli Prime Minister.  Which he then used to spearhead an attack on Lebanon within 4 months of taking office.  Perhaps his close ties with BushCo convinced him that you are not a true leader until you blow up something.  If so, Olmert is a fast learner.  Bewilderingly Olmert’s popularity is at an extremely low point, and shockingly they are suggesting that he might not hold the office for long.  I can’t see how, but perhaps Olmert’s declining popularity is in some small part due to that little war between Israel and Hezbollah that saw an end to the over population of Southern Lebanon, as well as the menace of non-oil saturated waters.  The eco-system had it coming, what with being all watery and life sustaining and all.  The “July War” as it is being called, also had the fortunate effect of increasing the sympathy of Hezbollah and swelling their ranks, which was the exact opposite of Israel’s intentions.  At least stuff blowed up real pretty.  Israel’s stated goal was to grow dissention and dissatisfaction between the Lebanese government and Hezbollah, and in a sense it worked, since the Lebanese infrastructure was crippled, so in a sense it was a partial victory.  So with no actual power in the Lebanese government to help Hezbollah, plus the vast majority of the casualties being Lebanese civilians, and 1/3 of those were children under 13, and I guess you could say it was Mission Accomplished!

While on the subjects of strokes, how can we forget Fidel Castro ceding power to his younger brother Raul.  Fidel didn’t have a stroke though.  In fact Fidel is perfectly healthy, does not have pancreatic cancer, and is simply taking a long break from the duties of being el Presidente.  Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery, or at least let us think about wishing him a speedy recovery, but then stopping because there is nothing wrong with him, and he is set to live to be one billion years old.   To Fidel’s credit, the citizens of Cuba are praying for a speedy recovery from his vacation, and seem to genuinely love him.  Of course those that don’t have historically been exiled to the afterlife, so it is hard to get a true measure.

Still how can we discuss death without also discussing the joy of life.  This year saw the births of some truly remarkable unions, perhaps most dominated by the emergence of Suri Cruise.  Suri is possibly the most famous infant on the planet, and will likely grow up in a lifestyle fitting of a princess.  I wish her well when she checks into her first rehab clinic at 13.  Suri will be in good company with Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, although Shiloh’s name is far longer, and thus much more impressive.  She has TWO stars names attached to her, not just one.  So take that Suri.  Didn’t Brittney Spears push out some kids this year too mere minutes before divorcing that one guy whose name I am making every possible effort to forget as quickly as possible?  Of course it might be difficult for Suri to score drugs under the ever watchful eye of Tom Cruise who will doubtless disapprove of illegal drugs just as much as he disapproves of prescription drugs, people that dismiss Scientology, and giving up screen time.  Cruise also celebrated his shotgun Scientology wedding with womb donor and (ironically) perpetually drug addled looking Katie Holmes.  I will leave the nice Scientologists alone, as they frighten me and seem to be everywhere.  And if a Scientologist is reading this, may I say that I too believe that man evolved from a clam, and I think it is absolutely ok to take all of your holy doctrines and beliefs from a mediocre sci-fi writer that embellished massive chunks of his own life.  Furthermore, I believe that South Park deserved to have their freedom of speech imposed upon by Tom Cruise and the other Scientologists that righteously stopped the episode that mocked Scientology from being aired.  Good on you guys, my check is in the mail.

While on the subject of entertainment, an American’s year in review can never truly be complete without a section dedicated to entertainment.  It could be argued that everything in our culture is entertainment based, or at least image based, which goes hand in hand with entertainment except in the state of Missouri where it is both illegal and immoral for two of anything other than a man and woman to go hand in hand anywhere.  Possibly my favorite story of the year entertainment wise came from the Bible movie “The Nativity Story”, yet another movie attempting to cash in on the conservative Christian wave that slammed into American culture like a hurricane through a drastically unprepared Gulf Coast city that was then left for dead by all levels of government for several days.  In “The Nativity Story”, the focus is on the Virgin Mary, played by the 16 year old actress Keisha Castle-Hughes, who was forced to miss the premiere of the movie at Vatican City, due to a slight case of pregnancy.  To make it even sweeter, it was of course out of wedlock, and the impregnator was 20, which would technically be statutory rape in many states in the US.  The Vatican however is much looser on their age restrictions.  Whether or not this was a factor in the definitively non-”Passion of the Christ” opening, or whether it was just a shitty movie is open for debate.  Other notable stories were the Grimm fairytale wedding and divorce of Spears and K-Fraud, Borat taking on America and getting sued for showing some of our dumb side, and “Lost” still pissing me off.  Oh, and Will and Grace is off the air, but that is still too recent and I…I…I’m sorry, I just can’t talk about that yet.

I have at least one more post in me.  I haven’t even gotten to sports and the headbut heard around the world, which by the way, if you google the word “headbut” will bring up 8 pages worth of Zidane’s finishing move.  C’est la vie.

*

——————————————————–

*

State of the Union Part 3
Sports and the Universe January 8, 2007

*
Once more into the breach dear friends. Of all the disturbing stories of 2006, and there were many, it would be hard to find one more alarming than OJ’s book “If I did it”.  I considered writing another blog dedicated just to this but I elected not to due to the public outcry against it.  If I had written another blog about OJ, it would be to reinforce the idea that he is a scumbag that deserves to be lost in the West Virginia woods while banjo music plays and the imitated squeals of a piggie shatter the silence.  I did not write that last sentence, but if I had, I would further add that I hope OJ’s asshole grows shut.  If he did it.  If not I wish him luck in hunting down the real killer, and suggest that if no one else can help, and if he can find them, perhaps he can hire the A-Team.

As I mentioned on the last part, I have yet to touch on sports.  The World Cup came and went with a disappointing defeat for America, thus challenging the notion that we are God’s favorites.  Despite this obvious proof that God is dead, it proved to be another exceptional World Cup.  Sadly the players were able to keep the violence on the field this year, and there were very few stories of riots, and disappointingly not one fan set themselves on fire in an attempt to help their team as a phantom 12th player on the field.  Better luck next time.  For the next few years at least, the ’06 World Cup will probably be remembered more for Zidane’s headbutt than anything else, which is good for America, as we had our asses handed to us.  There were important lessons to be taken from the World Cup though, and I for one have included these lessons in my every day life.  Just the other day I was typing when a co-worker brushed pass me.  I fell to the floor clutching my leg, but I was denied the satisfaction of seeing my co-worker receive a card.  Possibly due to the fact that we were in an office without referees so I have since petitioned my HR department for referees to be provided during work hours but I have yet to hear back yet.  There were also the Olympics in Torino, but the Olympics seldom cause riots, so I will not waste space discussing them.  I am also very disappointed in the citizens of St. Louis for missing the perfect opportunity to loot their city in appreciation for the St. Louis Cardinals World Series win.

A good friend of mine pointed out that I was missing one of the biggest and best stories of 2006, and I apologize for my negligence.  The Fiji military takeover pales in comparison, as does event he shocking news that Pluto is no longer a planet (which I still think is bullshit, and hope to start a “bring Pluto back” grassroots movement- feel free to send me donations).  I am of course speaking of Ted Haggard, The New Life Church Pastor that resigned after it came out that he was paying a male prostitute for sex while he was on meth for the last several years.  Haggard, the President of the National Association of Evangelicals, a group that represents 45,000 churches with 30 million members, and a frequent advisor to the White House, denied all charges with the backing of the NAE until the conservative Republican kryptonite- those pesky things called “facts”- were unfairly brought into the mix.  Haggard was also a strong supporter of a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, and apparently a believer in the little known scripture that states “He that giveth and not receiveth doest not be gay”.  To the children of America, I would advise them to practice being a hypocrite immediately, as it seems to be an open path to the highest offices in the land.  I would also advise they make friends with spoiled rich kids, and despite any noticeable qualifications, they too can receive high office.  Perhaps the head of the FEMA will soon be open.  To add salt to the wound, the male prostitute Haggard had sex with (allegedly), claims to have turned down the meth Haggard offered, because he does not do drugs.  At least one of them had some decency, proving yet again that your prostitutes can be trusted to do the right thing even when extremely influential, high ranking spiritual advisers cannot.

And while on the topic of crazy people in high office, this year also saw the rise of both Iran and North Korea, both of whom advanced on the “fuck America” strategy which was surprisingly successful.  North Korea tested their first long range missiles, the Taepodong-2, and although the impressive phallicly named missile failed and detonated in the ocean, the shockwave was felt in Washington, who had until then proceed under the “no, fuck you” negotiating tactics.  Iran on the other hand has taken the “America who?  Oh, them?  Yeah, fuck them” tactic of diplomacy which has earned them the friendship of Russia.  Thankfully Bushco had a stalwart ambassador to the United Nations in the soon to be gone form of John Bolton.  Praised by several members of the United Nations as being “rude”, “undiplomatic”, and even receiving the highest praise from North Korea for being “such human scum and [a] bloodsucker”.  Well done John, even higher office awaits no doubt.  It is encouraging to know that he was nominated by Sweden’s former Prime Minister for the Nobel Peace Prize, proving that it isn’t just America that has a few fucking morons in charge.  Thanks Sweden, good looking out.

Speaking of Sweden brings to mind a fun little episode in the world involving their neighbors the Danes.  Almost a footnote in ridiculous for the year, was the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten’s  cartoon depiction Muhammad as a terrorist.  The Muslim masses protested both the sacrilege of the Islamic tradition of depicting Muhammad, as well as the assertion in the cartoon that Islam leads to violence.  Many Muslims then proceed to launch into a bloody riot, marking the beginning of quite possibly the silliest named riot in history, the Cartoon Riots.  Despite the name I was sad to see that there were scarce reports of people dropping anvils on each other, and the sales of Acme products did not see a significant increase.  C’est la vie.

As I hinted at earlier, the most upsetting story of the year for me would have to be the loss of my beloved Pluto.  Taken from us far too early, the planet that was discovered by University of Kansas Professor Clyde Tombaugh, was stripped of its title after accusations of its worthiness to hold the title of planet began to surface on the internet.  Pluto has been accused of being “too small” to be a planet, and those rumors were intensified with the discoveries of two trans-Neptunian bodies called Eris and Quaoar.  These two little whore rocks sparked renewed debate over the validity of Pluto as a planet because Pluto fails to meet one of the three definitions of a planet, by being unable to clean up its own neighborhood (gravitationally speaking).  If we are going to begin excluding places based on the inability to clean up a neighborhood, may I suggest taking East St. Louis off of the map.  Maybe Oakland as well.  When does it stop!?  How far will these so called “scientists” be allowed to practice their bigotry and elitism?  Yes Pluto has made its share of mistakes, I am not denying that.  Yes there is its questionable relationship with its moon Charon, but Charon has yet to file any formal complaints, and until proof of wrongdoing surfaces, how can we sit in judgment over Pluto?  Search your hearts people, you know it to be true.

I’m sorry, I need a break.  Pluto’s tragedy takes it out of me.  My 4th and final post will be coming soon, once I am able to pick up the pieces and move on.  Alas poor Pluto, alas.

*

———————————————-

*

State of the Union -Part 4 The Finale
January 11, 2007

*
This is the last of my state of the union blogs, I hope you have all enjoyed them, and I can’t wait for 2008 when I will be discussing the 2006 blog as one of my favorite times of the year.  Ah, memories.  This will be my last of the series, and I will try to keep it relatively brief.  As long as no one brings up Pluto or that whore of a wannabe planet Quaoar, I should be able to keep it together long enough to finish.  While still on the subject of planets (yeah, I said planet IAU), in 2006, there was a great deal of talk of life on Mars in the form of bacteria and amoeba, and for the first time liquid was discovered on Mars.  Well it was discovered the other day that a Mars lander from the late 70s may have found Martian microbes!  Then…ummm…kinda, sorta killed them.  Oops.  Personally I say don’t weep for those alien microbes, you have no idea what they were planning.  Sure they might look like harmless bacteria, but that is how it all begins.  At any moment those microbes could have begun to evolve, and from there it is a short step from microbe to WMD, and from there a bloody interstellar war.  Not on America’s watch.  So on behalf of America , you are welcome.

While reading up on the above topic, I stumbled across an announcement on the 5th of May, announcing that astronomers have discovered a newly formed, secondary storm on Jupiter, similar to Jupiter’s “red eye”, which is a massive, ever raging storm in the atmosphere.  Well astronomers, are you sure it is a storm and not a dwarf storm?  Maybe it is just a passing storm front, and not technically a storm.  Can I see the classifications of what a storm is?  Are you sure?!  I would hate to see you get attached to your new storm only to have it ripped away from you after years of a relationship by so called “scientists”!  Give me back my 9th planet you bastards!  Moving on.

One of the most inspirational stories of the year came from the Oscars.  It is a story of true perseverance, and kids with hearts of gold making good.  I am of course referring to Three 6 Mafia winning the Oscar for best song.  Theirs is an inspirational tale filled with love, loss, and bitches, and the years have seen Three 6 overcome numerous obstacles including the loss of both Gangsta Boo AND Koopsta Knicca.  Most groups might not be able to carry on without two such stalwart members but Three 6 did, despite feuds with truly upstanding former members such as Playa Fly and Kingpin Skinny Pimp.  These plucky youths battled back onto the scene with such spiritually uplifting hits as “Sippin’ on Syrup”, “Who Gives a F___ Where you From”, and “2-Way Freak”.  They also continue to cling to their Christian upbringings, deny that they worship Satan, and two of the original members have gone on to the lava hot field of Christian rap.  I would also like to extend my prayers to Lord Infamous, one of the founders of Three Six, who had a chance to reconnect with God as he spent the last year in jail.  A true inspiration to us all.

Hard to deny that one of the biggest stories of the year was Saddam Hussein’s trial, but it really didn’t have the resonance that it potentially could have.  Of course if anyone ever doubted a guilty verdict, I would be happy to point and laugh at you, but it was more than that.  Where were the theatrics that we Americans have become accustomed to during trials?  I don’t think I once saw anything about a glove fitting, no baby daddy drama, and for the love of God where did all the catch phrases go?  “If the Shi’ite victims aint here, Hussein should be clear.”  Yeah, not as good as the glove, but I’m no lawyer.  Sure there were several famous and renowned legal minds at work, but they kept getting themselves killed, so it was hard to keep track.  I also don’t understand the uproar over the tape of Hussein being released on the internet.  It was obvious that the video would make its way online as soon as they announced it was to be taped, so they might as well have put it on pay-per-view and cashed in.  If the WWE can continue to sell monthly PPPs at $50 and succeed, Hussein’s execution might have funded the construction of over a dozen McDonalds in the Iraq market.  A true waste of potential.

On a more exciting note, who can forget ICM awarding the Fields Medal to Grigori Perelman for bitch slapping his critics and proving once and for all the validity of the Poincare Conjecture, and in doing so pissing all over the doubters.  Eat shit and die J.H.C. Whitehead!  Your proofs from 1930 were wrong bitch! Take that weak shit on out of here!   That pimp Perelman with the help of his trusty sidekick Richard Hamilton, aka Dick Ham, then denied the Fields Medal because he didn’t think the Fields committee were smart enough to “get” him.  A true mathematical bad ass has arrived.  In the words of Huai-Dong Cao, “Hamilton and Perelman have done the most important fundamental works. They are the giants and our heroes.”   Fuck yeah!

2006 is over and done, and I intend to look forward to 2007.  The year is already shaping up to be one of the best for me yet, and I refer you to this email I received today:

My name is Mr Eric Konan, a Banker and accountant with a prime bank here Abidjan. I am the personal accounts manager to Engr.Miller Fleming, a National of your country, who used to work with an oil servicing company here in Cote Ivoire.

My client, his wife, and their three children were involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways crash in the coasts of Abidjan in January 2000 in which all passengers on board died. Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives but has been unsuccessful After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the internet,to see if I could locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. Of particular interest is this huge deposit with our bank here in,where the deceased has an account valued at about ($8.5 million US dollars).They have issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or the bank will declare the account unservisable and thereby send the funds to the bank treasury.

He goes on to say that the money is all mine, all I have to do is help him with a few legal things and send him a few dollars to get the ball rolling.  That’s right, I’m rich, bitch!  Don’t worry, I won’t forget the little people that helped me get where I am.  Nor will I forget the people that have held me back.  Your time has come!  Once my private army of robots is ready, you will see me again.  One final time.  You will all suffer, while I watch and laugh!  Muwahahahahahaha!

Er…ummmm….it has been brought to my attention , that this email may not have been entirely legitimate.  Naturally I..ummm…I knew that of course.  So, funny right?  Heh, yeah…

Well that is all I have.  I could go on and on about 2006.  Sure, 2006 was no 1938, and who can forget the good times we all had in 1996, but she was a good year, and was taken from us far too soon.  I hope 2007 knows that it has a big set of shoes to fill, but there are already some great stories shaping up.  From the possible escalation of troops in Iraq (at least according to Bush, to the Democrats new political strategy for dealing with Republicans of “fuck you, that’s why”, to whatever worthless sack of skin is set to do something truly horrific and still be loved for it, there will be something to bewilder and entertain us throughout the year.  I am sure there are a thousand stories that I didn’t even mention, but these are the ones that got my attention for better or worse.  No doubt I will wake tonight and for weeks to come in the middle of the night in a sweat because I didn’t mention Floyd Landis’ Tour de France win/drug scandal, and I understand the risk I am taking with all the Landis fans out there, but I will attempt to muddle on.  Of all the stories of 2006, without question the one that disturbed me most was just the other day as I was searching for facts on yahoo, and I saw that the most searched word or phrase (not just yahoo, I double checked google as well) was not Israel, Lebanon, OJ, meth preacher, or even to my dismay Pluto, but was in fact “WWE”.  Some things never change.  C’est la vie.

Thanks for reading.

Archives; November 2006

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

*

I am Probably Going to Hell for This One Thursday, November 30, 2006

*

I know I just posted earlier today, but I thought I would follow it up with a little something else.  The good news is that this one is all about me, glorious me.  Not about my day to day though; I work, I play, I lose hours of my life at a time due to alcohol induced amnesia.  These things are essentially status quo.  I could go on and talk about the weather, the scenery, my life, but why should I?  Live your own lives you bastards.

As I have stated numerous times, I am a political junkie.  It isn’t just American politics I follow though, nor even governmental politics, and if I learned anything from following politics, it is that the earlier you start the more people will remember your name.  So after seeing Pope Benedict meeting with the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch, I realized that the Pope isn’t looking so hot.  Sure he has only been in office a bit over a year, but time is a like a pimp and the Pope is its whore.  So with that in mind, I would like to officially announce my intention to be your next Pope.  Besides, Benedict looks like a Dark Lord of the Sith.  Go ahead and check.  Seriously, go to Google, type in “Pope Benedict”, and tell me I am wrong.  I’ll wait…………See!  Told you.

I have a few suggestions for the College of Cardinals, and I will forward this message on to the Vatican.  There is one obvious choice for the job of the Pope, and that is of course me.  If you overlook the few minor obstacles like my appreciation for alcohol, drugs, sex, meat, idolatry, defilement, devil rock, sleeping in on the weekends, dislike for most of the human race, meager education, lack of foreign languages,  disrespect for most of the Church, violent tendencies, hatred of authority, and propensity for whoring, then I am a perfect fit.  Oh, and I’m not Catholic, or really even Christian.  Other than that, I don’t know why my phone hasn’t begun to ring yet.

I’m good with people, even though I hate most of them, but that is besides the point.  I could be their new Holy Father and lead them in a different direction.  You have to admit that the Church has been getting a bad rap of late, so the first thing I would do would be to change the image.  To do that, I would begin at the ground level, with a new chain of coffee shops populated by fully naked women serving hot coffee.  For every 20th cup you buy, one mortal sin is forgiven.  Next, the whole birth control thing would be kicked to the curb in favor of the new, “Ass for forgiveness” policy.  I’m still working out the details on that right now, so more will come on that later.

Church officials, members, and neighbors of church members that are guilty of pedophilia will receive the “Mark of Cain”, a new form of justice.  We will take all the marked people and dump them in an area reserved for them.  Somewhere horrible like the desert, an active volcano, or Missouri.  Then we would airdrop in Bibles with bullets, and inform everyone that there was one gun hidden in the area and let them get to it.  The winner, if there is one, will then be burned at the stake as a martyr.

Next I will change Sunday Mass to Wednesday, but still require Sunday to be the day of rest.  Any country that does not consider Wednesday a holy day worthy of closing most major businesses will be considered excommunicated immediately.  Without the Catholic contingency in America, especially the Irish, the alcohol trade will dry up forcing nationwide layoffs.  See how they like that.

Furthermore, drugs will be a sin unless a sample off all drugs are sent to me in the Vatican for immediate blessing.  This includes, and especially refers to pharmaceuticals.  All law enforcement agencies should also be advised that this policy will include all police seizures.  Once blessed, all drugs will be available for pickup after a thorough sampling.  The drugs will be available for retrieval after 6 months from the date that I will decide based on the quality of said drugs.  All drugs will be available for pickup in the Church’s satellite office located in the South Pole.  Any complaints can be directed to Cardinal Youfuckinlookinatme.  Unfortunately he does not speak English, or any other language known to man.  On a totally separate note, with absolutely no connection, I will also be opening a chain of dance clubs across the globe called Daddy Pope’s.

I will forgive all sins if the money is right.  I will bless babies if they agree to a lifetime of servitude, save the lost souls blah, blah, blah.  I’ll even wear that silly hat.  God loves us all, etc, etc, so vote for me.  I bet that I could save a few lost people if they are hot young women trying to confess that they are only happy while doing truly filthy things. I would also dig that every bowel movement I had would genuinely merit the phrase “holy shit”.  I could then sell it on EBay for a righteous profit.

In conclusion I hope that you see, as I do, that the only logical course of action is to choose me for the next Pope.  I am the man to lead the spiritual world into the future, and make a tidy profit along the way.  I should not need to make my point any further, as damning for those that disagree with me will be retroactive after I am sworn in, or elected, or chosen
by God, or whatever.

Thank you and God (or Ryan) bless,
Pope John Paul George Ringo the First.

*

*

—————————————————

Why I Love EBay and Hate Humanity Thursday, November 30, 2006

*

Weeks like this always begin so well.  Home for the holidays and time with the family, then back to Portland to resume work.  Things were fine, and then I make the mistake of looking into stuff I probably have no business to look into.  Let me recap.

Over the weekend I saw a movie called “Bobby” about Bobby Kennedy.  The movie was mediocre, but it did get me thinking.  Although Bobby and his brother are long gone, both of their words and ideologies have remained as their legacies.  They both spoke powerfully, and they actually believed in what they were saying.  Now more than ever that is a pleasant change in not only public office, but America in general.  The frightening thing is that Bush does seem to believe most of what he says, foolish and deranged though it may be, he believes it, but unlike Kennedy, and most great orators, Bush’s message is not one of hope while both Kennedys’ words were.  The closest person I see to fill this mold is Barack Obama of Illinois, which is why I support him for President in ’08, whether he runs or not.  Obama has a genuinely optimistic message that he speaks with passion and conviction.  Agree with him or disagree, you must acknowledge his charisma and gravitas.

There are so few messages of hope these days, and the messages of hope that we do generally see are not what they seem.  When was the last time someone asked you to believe in something without immediately following that up by asking for money?  The two things have become nearly synonymous, and if you believe it you cannot do something worthwhile without money, or so it seems.

So after watching clips of Bobby Kennedy, and Barack Obama, I was genuinely optimistic about the future of America, and the world.  It was nice to believe that there are actually people out there that want to do the right thing for the right reasons.  Genuinely stand up people, that show us what it is to be a good person.  Naturally I assume all politicians have skeletons in the closet, but if a President or Senator wants to get a blowjob, well better them fucking an intern than fucking over me and mine.  So despite that, I was encouraged about the potential of humanity, and optimistic about the future.  Then I made the crushingly foolish mistake of checking out EBay.

If you have not seen it, there is a category on EBay called “weird stuff”, and that is a fairly misleading title.  A better one would be “shit that will rattle your faith in humanity”.  While coming off my short peace, love, and puppy dog high, I was brought back to Earth with a thud after seeing some of the things that people are trying to hawk.  After all, who doesn’t want to advertise on a guy that is willing to stick 500 needles in himself while wearing the winning bidder’s corporate logo on him?  For a mere $40,000 you can place a bid for exactly that.  Shockingly no one has bid yet.  Perhaps they are saving their money for the cinetheodolite- a tool that apparently monitors the sky for UFOs- and it can be yours for the very reasonable starting bid of $134,675.

If that isn’t enough to shake your head at humanity, scan on down the EBay lists until you find the stone that looks like Jesus.  Apparently the seller claims this stone was found in a pool of water that appeared just that day.  On the stone is the profile of a man with a beard, and since it was found on the ground, naturally it was a miracle stone placed there by God.  Luckily the man that found the stone, just happens to have studied paleo artifacts, and can confirm that the rock itself is nearly 5,000 years old!  Can you imagine, a rock that is really old?!  And someone carved a face on it that may be Jesus!  Seems reasonable to start the bidding at $75,000.  Much better deal than the magic stone that has an image of Jerry Garcia that you can’t see in pictures, only in person.  That one is starting at $900,000.

The cursed ring (as sworn by a fortune teller) for $35K is interesting, but it can’t hold a candle to the guy that is selling his Master of Philosophy from the University of Windsor, for a meager $25,000.  This is for someone else’s diploma, not any actual information.  Joking aside, a Masters in Philosophy?  $25,000 (which is what the seller claims was the cost in tuition) seems a bit…what’s the word…oh yeah, retarded.  What can you possibly do with a Masters in Philosophy?  Sure a Masters in English isn’t going to drop any panties or get you a new Porsche, but at least it is a bit more general in its applications.  With a Masters in Philosophy, perhaps you can teach, if you can find a Graduate school that still offers an MA in Philosophy.  Personally I am holding out for a doctorate in speed walking.  Great class, I learned a lot.

A lady selling her ass literally- at least the space to tattoo your name on her ass for $8,666 was a good sign of humanity’s future, as was some douchebag selling his  diary- er… sorry, for girls it is a diary, for guys it is a journal.  Anyway, he is selling his personal innermost thought, feelings, etc for the bargain basement price of $10,000.  A lady in Phoenix selling a date with herself for $1,000 was a highlight as well.  She is hot though, so I will let it slide although I can find a similar “date” in the back of the Portland Mercury for much less money, and they offer benefits…

A $500 block of petrified wood from Egypt paled in comparison to the $500 “magical healing crystal”, and while the $460 steel chastity belt for men was amusing, and I enjoyed reading about the HyperDimensional Resonator Psionic box that would pick up psychic energy, as well as time travel disturbances.  It really wasn’t until deep in the site that my faith in the planet dissolved.

I can overlook crushed black velvet paintings of John Ashcroft- hell, I almost bid on it, I even skipped past the numerous gimp masks, penis pumps, and fetish stuff, but there was one item that was just too much.  I can write off the “authentic teleportation device” as just plain crazy talk, but then I came to it.  Perhaps the actual auction header can sum it up better than I can:

A PENIS SHAPED CHICKEN TENDER

Yep, that about says it all.  Current bid is only $11.50, but it is indeed a chicken tender that is shaped remarkably like a penis.  The fact that someone would try to sell this on EBay gives me shivers, but the fact that people are actually bidding on it shakes my faith.  And gives me ideas.

Since people will apparently buy anything, I have a couple of ideas.  I would throw my immortal soul on EBay, but I’m relatively certain there are already a few claims on that.  Does anyone own the moon?  I know America planted flags on it, but does that make it America’s?  If not, maybe I can throw that up on EBay.  How about the air I am breathing?  I can blow into a zip lock bag, and put it on EBay for the starting bid of $10, a very reasonable fee for air from my lungs.  I will volunteer my toe-nail clippings to any and all that would like to use them for voodoo ceremonies, and I will even put an eyelash in for free.  I would sell naming rights to any future children, but someone already beat me to that.

Ok, I’ve got it.  For the starting bid of $20, for one day I will say only the word “melpgarkin”.  Ah, think of the fun.

*

*

——————————————————

The Juice is Loose and other Fun Facts
Friday, November 17, 2006

*

I was innocently scanning the news websites to find out which politician was embroiled in a new and exciting scandal (I had my fingers crossed for murder, but I would have excepted prostitution) and I see OJ’s face again.  Oh good.  Perhaps the democrats put him up to it to take attention away from the in fighting that has already begun amongst their ranks, but more than likely OJ is just a whore.

For those of you lucky enough to not have heard, the Juice is back with a knew book called “If I Did It”, which explains how he killed his wife and Ron Goldman-  er… excuse me.  How he would have killed them IF he did it.  Big distinction there.  He is also going to be on Fox News for a two hour- two night interview discussing the book.  Shocking that Fox News, yes THE Fox News would stoop to these levels.  Consider my mind blown.  The network that regularly features Ann Coulter is airing something that redefines scumbaggery, and before you think that they are just airing it because the ratings will be there, consider the fact that the book is being published by Harper Collins, which is owned by News Corp, which also owns Fox.  Must just be a coincidence.  Now that Fox News is losing advertisers, ratings, and has been accused (with proof) of issuing misleading news casts, I expect more good stuff like the return of the Juice.  Maybe they can get Tonya Harding to make another comeback.

Can this guy just go away already?  I’m sure there is a lovely home in Qatar near Michael Jackson, and they could talk all day and compare prison mug shots.  The hilarity would ensue.  At this point, it would not surprise me even a little to see Fox come up with a “groundbreaking new series that dares to go where no series has gone before”:  The Juice and Jacko together for the first time in the buddy cop show “A-holes with Badges”!  It has hit written all over it.  The OJ news makes me sad just thinking about it.  I’m not sure if ironic is even the write word for it, but OJ cannot have an income other than his NFL pension due to the civil suit, so all the profits of the book about killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson (allegedly) will go to Goldman’s family.  That is just twisted.  Well hopefully OJ has some lawyers that are good enough to screw over the legal system and get the murdering scumbag the profits from discussing his murdering ways (allegedly).  He did earn them after all.

I was going to post something about OJ and leave it at that, but then I saw a few more things that caught my eye and shivered my spine.  Sticking with the “ironic” theme, the Pentagon’s money saving travel site that theoretically searches for the absolute best air fares, hotel prices, rental cars, etc, is estimated at saving up to $33mil this year, and up to $74mil next year.  Unfortunately the people that brought you the $400 hammer have a slight mathematical issue.  The system itself is estimated to cost $474mil.  I guess that is the new math Bush keeps talking about.  The Pentagon, in their wisdom, has also decided to follow the Rumsfeld/Bush plan to stay the course, and deny that the system is anything but the bestest thing EVER.  It’s that can do attitude that makes America great.  I guess Orbitz is un-American and a supporter of ter-er-izm.  Go USA!

I keep coming across crap like this as I eagerly await the Dems infighting to begin.  It has started a bit with Steny Hoyer winning the Majority Leader position over Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi’s pick, John Murtha.  Grab some popcorn, enjoy the subpoenas that are coming in the months ahead, and have fun watching the Dems tear themselves apart.  At least there is hope for Fox News.  I have noticed a new phrase on Fox News, or at least a phrase that I haven’t heard much of lately “Some reports”.  It is a great term that is flexible and multi-purposed.  For example, “some reports say that the moon is littered with dead hookers launched from the Democratic National Headquarters”.  “Some reports” could encompass about anyone and anything.  Maybe Joe Smith called Fox News after his 7th tequila and told them he saw Nancy Pelosi turning tricks with Hillary Clinton.  It would be a Fox News exclusive.  At least now that Fox News is suffering, we can look forward to “Terror Alert: Elevated” (has it ever not been elevated?).  If there truly is such a thing as karma, the heads of Fox News should be reincarnated as retard wombats with genetic defects and a habit of running into traffic.  I can’t wait for them to start scaring the shit out of me again with vague threats from somewhere in the Middle East about a possible plan to possibly attack America somewhere.  Damn Democrats, I blame them.

Selah

Selah.  In the original Hebrew Bible, back before they sold the rights to the Christians to be remade into the Old Testament, the word selah signifies a moment of reflection.  It is a time to consider what has just passed and what the previous section means before letting that part sink in and allowing a new part to begin.  And isn’t that truly the point of Thanksgiving?  A break in the Fall to reflect and spend time with family, before camping out at Wal-Mart on the following Friday and stampeding pregnant women to save up to 40% off of LCD flat screen TVs.  Forty percent!

Regardless of whether you eagerly awaited the moments spent with your family, you watched the clock wondering how early is too early to drink, or you curse your hybrid’s lack of exhaust fumes to fill up your empty garage and put you into one final sleep, Thanksgiving is over.  Now that we have all tucked in and given thanks to L. Ron for protecting us from the space monsters that want their souls back, or whatever the fuck, and the tryptophan begins to slowly drain our bloated bodies of sweet, sweet consciousness, it is good to take a moment to reflect on the year that has sped past us.

There are things we can all be thankful for.  As Thanksgiving comes, it usually acts as an unofficial end to Fall and the beginning of Winter.  And while winter may not be the best of seasons for most of us (goodbye Minnesota, see you in the Spring), the winter has its purpose.  It is a time when things can be wiped away and one facet can end without destroying the whole.  If a crop has a bad year, the winter acts as a reset button and allows the hope of a better Spring and a new harvest.  The same is true for us as the winter is a good time to re-examine the last year and allow the things that have consumed us to finally die the death they deserve so we can move on to the next stage.  It is a time to forget and move on, or accept and begin anew- either way now is the time.  Maybe you called or texted the girl you like one time too many.  Maybe your fiscal year at work has not gone well, and you need to start fresh.  Or maybe the policies of your administration over the last eight years have had a disastrous effect on the country and the world in general and you currently have the lowest approval rating of any President in American history, including even a President that was caught committing felonies and forced to resign in disgrace.  Yes, finally- and mercifully- this is the last Thanksgiving we will have to suffer under the administration of George W. Bush.  Selah.

Seeing Bush shuffle through the last days of his sad, doomed Presidency, it is almost easy to pity the man that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of, if not THE, worst President in the history of the United States and by extension the world.  Almost.  Jesus may have said that it is good to forgive, but if Jesus were alive today and preaching a new religion to hundreds of poor disenfranchised followers in the Middle East, talking about how a person’s true reward awaits them after death, and that the policies of money should not be the primary focuses of life, Jesus would almost certainly have spent the last few years enjoying several rounds of water boarding while having his genitals electrocuted courtesy of the fine men and women at Guantanamo Bay.  Take that American Dream, and don’t you forget who your Daddy is!  Who needs all those ideals and morals anyway.  Thankfully, George Bush and the ultra conservative hawks that have shat upon America for close to a decade do not have a sense of irony.  If they did, Sarah Palin and her folksy wisdom would never have left the confines of Alaska, don’t cha know.

It is almost redundant to say that it has been an interesting year.  Phillies won the World Series, the economy took a prison style shanking between the third and fourth vertebrae, and a black guy with a Muslim name was elected President of the United States of America.  Sure didn’t see that one coming eight years ago.  It is a good moment for selah.  Did we really just a elect a black guy President?  Right on!  Guess that means America is no longer racist at all.  High five America!  But now the work begins.  It is easy to step into the ring, but the hard part is to pick yourself up and go back at it after having the shit knocked out of you and having your ear bitten off.  So to speak.

We are in the epilogue of 2008, and now is the time to catch up with our favorite players of the past year.  Sure that Obama guy stole the show in ‘08, but his story is just beginning and there is a fairly good chance that you will hear about the guy again, so now is the last chance we might get to discuss the most important political figure of the year, Sarah Palin.  It has been quoted, misquoted, and attributed to many various sources that “people get the government that they deserve”.  It would be nice to believe that after having elected Obama president, but it is a bit hard to accept when you search Yahoo’s front page for information about the Mujahideen’s attack in Mumbai, India, and instead the top featured stories are about a lion that hugs people and Paris Hilton’s horrific outfit that she, like, oh my god, wore to a party- for reals!  So maybe Sarah Palin is a better indicator of the government we deserve despite her vice-loss.

Far from being content to be out of the public eye, she just keeps the hits coming.  While recently being interviewed after preforming a traditional ceremony of pardoning a turkey, she gave an interview to national reporters.  She discussed how the media can take the simplest things and blow them out of proportion, and how they can focus on minor things that they could use to make her look foolish.  In a moment reminiscent of Bush’s crap-tacular “Mission Accomplished” photo op, Governor Palin said all this at the turkey pardoning ceremony while a farmer behind her continued to run dead turkeys through a processor that shred the carcasses to bits.  Even Fox News had to laugh at her for that one.  But don’t count Palin out yet.  She wants power, likes to shoot stuff, appeals to the most staunchly conservative and religious bases, and she is an idiot.  In short, she is George Bush with a vagina.  See you in 2012 Sarah.

Well another Thanksgiving is gone and the next season has begun, the shopping season.  Despite the weakened economy and dire predictions, it is still the time of year to greet your fellow Americans in a spirit of unity and understanding.  Unless of course they steal your parking spot at the mall, or take the last Blu-Ray player from the shelves of Best Buy, and in that case feel free to stab them in the fucking eye!  Selah.

The Mutterings of a Lost, Dumb Tribe

There is no better time to write about the world than when you are angry enough to kick a puppy.  Even if it isn’t the best or most entertaining piece of literature ever created, it will likely be more honest than prose written by someone freshly returned from skipping through beds of daisies while humming gently- assuming of course that the person humming and skipping is not certifiably insane, in which case it is a toss up.  The reasons for your anger don’t matter; whether your job has decided to slowly and methodically attempt to drive you insane,  you finally realize that the girl or guy you like looks directly through you, or you are on trial for kidnapping and armed robbery and fear a “make up” call when it comes to sentencing because of a little misunderstanding years earlier that started with a leisurely drive down a California highway in your friend’s white Ford Bronco- it doesn’t matter.  Perhaps that is why there are so many political writers active today.

To follow politics takes a certain kind of idiot, the type that will stare at the sun for as long as possible, then lash around blindly as they gamble that the red dot will fade from their vision.  We are not to be trusted.  If you are one too, get out if you still can, otherwise may God have mercy on your poor, dumb soul.  While it is one thing to follow the Presidential campaign- the world of the political tourist- those few, rare idiots among us that truly follow the machinations of world politics, should be followed and tagged for the safety of others.  Watching politics too much can warp your mind and bring about a truly depraved and frightening human being, immune to all forms of misdirection, but cynical to all forms of authority.  If you stop at a crosswalk and stare accusingly at the crosswalk figure beckoning you to walk through the intersection while muttering “not on my watch”, there is a chance that you have been infected.  If it sounds appealing, than I am not explaining it right.  It is a drug, and we are all junkies waiting in the alley for our next fix.  It blinds and consumes you.  If this is the case, seek help.  Drugs and alcohol are also an acceptable form of treatment as well, and thus popular amongst the professionals.

There is a plus side though.  Following politics can act as a microcosm of the world in general.  It could be that politics feed the growing cynicism of our country- my generation did after all grow up in the tainted, sickened shadow of Watergate, with its message that even the most powerful man in the world is not above stooping low enough to fuck over anyone that pissed him off- or maybe politics are simply a reflection of the way the world has become on its own.  After all, who doesn’t have a friend that spoke fiercely against the rights of gay and lesbians people before being arrested for soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom?  It is a common enough situation.  It is after all a common tale.  The truth is most likely a combination of the two, but the word truth has no place in a discussion of politics, and anyone that uses that word, or begins a statement with something like “to be honest”, should immediately be tranquilized and captured for study.

But as with anything where the future of our world and our own lives are hanging directly in the balance, it is better not to take it too seriously.  In fact, seeing politics as a game is possibly the best, and most healthy way to watch.  The truly frightening ones are those that let the infection spread to other topics like religion and current events.  Sweet Jesus, run for your lives.

As both candidates promise, change is coming.  It may not be the change that is promised though.  It is a change in confidence, or perhaps a change in apathy that will lead to a wave of mutilation that will sweep across the world, and no one will notice, or care.  There will come a day, and soon, where there will be a breaking point, and things will go one way or another: either people will begin to pay attention to the greedy fuckos steering our world like a drunken oil tanker captain trying to drift curves in a rock filled harbor, or we will eventually lose interest altogether and turn the world into a video game for the rich, and crazy things will happen like deregulation of financial organizations to allow predatory loans, or we will start attacking random countries all willy nilly while passing on the taxes to the lower and middle classes and creating more loopholes for the people with enough money to hire other, smarter people to seek out loopholes like a pig finding truffles.  Make no mistake, the wave of mutilation is on the way to wash away those foolish enough to see it coming, and all that will be left is the wild mutterings and whispered rumors about a lost tribe of doomed souls that stared too long at the sun.