Archives; I Heart the Primaries

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. I MAY have even underestimated the popularity of that “Obama” guy. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

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Must Not Sleep…Must Warn Others…The Democratic Primaries are Coming…
Sunday December 02, 2007
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Back when I was still half a pint short of being able to ride the big boy rides, I asked my Mom if I could grow up to be President one day, and she said ‘yes’. That was a mistake. She gave me some rhetoric about eating my vegetables and doing my homework and other such nonsense, but essentially said I too could be President. Well the day has come, and I want what is rightfully mine. I still believe in the idea that I could be President, but all the dead hookers would cost lots of money to cover up, and frankly I am a cheap bastard. Despite that the office of the President is essentially mine by the right that my Mommy said, so whoever wins in ’08 will just be borrowing it from me.

So instead of running I offer this primer for the 2008 Presidential primaries for my fellow members of the Desolation Generation that are equally convinced that the office is theirs by right. If you are wondering what the Desolation Generation is, in short it is what I call the current disillusioned generation that grew up in the shadow of Watergate, Iran Contra, and soliciting cops for gay sex in Minnesota airport bathrooms. It is the generation that grew up seeing a candidate win the popular vote but lose the election to a man that would become the least respected President since that bastard Andrew Johnson. It is the generation that has grown up under the idea that image really is everything, and facts are what people believe, not necessarily what the truth is, and actual merit is rarely rewarded unless it coincides with a solid image. It is also the generation that grew up having to pay for their internet porn after a brief, but glorious period of freedom. It isn’t right! Who’s with me?! Anyway, more on the DG at another time.

In following politics it is good to have a favorite, but you also have to remain detached. For example I myself like Obama, yet I am detached enough to call him a coke whore after he radically underestimated the media’s desire to portray facts over truth when he foolishly admitted to being a real human being in his autobiography and said that he had tried cocaine. Stupid junkie. Remaining detached is especially key to following the debates, and if you follow and support the GOP, this is essential, as actual campaigning has been replaced by the debating style known as “Fuck you that’s why ’08″. They barely even blame Hillary for everything that is wrong with America anymore. Dems are equally as bad, but there is more of a determined leader board, so the attacks are more defined, and in many cases several of the Presidential runs seem auditions for Cabinet positions. Ever heard of Mike Gravel? You might after he takes office as Secretary of Transportation, or something akin to that.

With all politicians campaign fundraising is a key issue, but as Ross Perot and Clinton proved (the horny Clinton, not the Arkan-Yorker), having the most money isn’t necessarily all that important. Still some candidates are being buried due to lack of money, and probably not in this election, or even the next few, but eventually it would not be surprising to see candidates wearing corporate logos on their suits, ala Nascar. Imagine Bill Richardson wearing a giant blinking ‘Kools’ logo on his back; it could support his campaign 3 times over. Toss another company that is in need of some solid non-negative exposure on there, like ‘Blackwater Private Security’ for example, and the sky is the limit.

I am hesitant to start with the GOP simply because they are doing a better job of ripping each other apart than I could, and I don’t want to look bad early, so to the Democratic race it is (listed in order of current standings in the polls, from last place on as tabulated by www.realclearpolitics.com).

MIKE GRAVEL (Former Senator from Alaska, Spearheaded ending the Vietnam draft, Number one among the “who the hell is that” contingent)- Most people will have to Wikipedia the guy to know he was even from Alaska. Famous for once filibustered for 5 months. His lack of notoriety outside of the Northwest, along with his support of gay rights, virtually eliminate him from the South Carolina primary. 2% of the vote will be a moral victory, but moral victories don’t pay the billz, yo.

DENNIS KUCINICH (Representative of Ohio, Former mayor of Cleveland, Possible space alien)- Kucinich has repeatedly confirmed that he saw a UFO, but despite the fact that millions of other Americans have reportedly seen UFOs as well, when you are running for the post of President of Earth (more or less), you should probably try to avoid firmly aligning yourself with the bat-shit crazy vote (the aluminum foil wearing bat-shit crazy kind, not the evangelical bat-shit crazies). Although their numbers in America are strong and growing, they tend to get lost on the way to the polls when something shiny shows up to distract them. Kucinich’s bewilderingly hot wife aside, he will probably last a few primaries before heading back to the mother ship. Oh, and he was also voted one of the worst big city mayors of all time, but he did introduce a motion earlier this month to impeach Cheney, which is funny, so he has that going for him.

CHRISTOPER DODD (Senator from Connecticut, Second generation Senator, Once seen smiling- allegedly)- Possibly the whitest man in the Democratic Presidential field and the least charismatic as well. He is well suited as the Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, one of the sexiest jobs in Washington. Came out against the “Peru Free Trade Agreement”, a sure fire way to get national headlines, as well as his support of mandatory community service for all High School students. They can’t vote yet, so this is a small factor. Dodd’s record and stances are commendable and laudatory; he has stood firm against massive opposition, and in most cases was ahead of his time in his stances including protection of civil liberties, increasing children’s healthcare coverage, stringent environmental supporter, and consumer protection against predatory loans. Unfortunately he is as dull as a dead herring.

JOE BIDDEN (Senator from Delaware, Chaired the confirmation hearing of Clarence Thomas and helped the name “Long Dong Silver” into the American lexicon, Snappy dresser)- Possibly the best dressed person in the Democratic Presidential field, Bidden is one of those guys that few know exactly who he is or what he does, but they recognize him as “that guy”. As far as history goes, Bidden has been involved with some well known, and well received laws including the creation of a “drug czar”, a move that has been extremely well received among drug runners and pro-drug comediennes. A supporter of the war in Iraq, Bidden has suggested and pushed for a change in policy to make Iraq more federalized, thus giving the various warring factions a measure of autonomy within Iraq under one central federal government. This makes sense, and will therefore go nowhere. Senator from the destination vacation hotspot of Delaware, Bidden stirred a bit of controversy against Indian-Americans when he said “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking”. Open mouth, insert political alienation. His run is most likely the first step towards Secretary of State.

BILL RICHARDSON (Governor of New Mexico, Former Secretary of Energy, Nicknamed Kim Jong Bill for his North Korean negotiations)- One of the few politicians running for President that actually has executive experience, which effectively means he will not win as common sense has no place in Presidential elections. The only Latino running for President, thus Karl Rove is working to have him deported. Possible VP candidate to complete the minority ticket after Hillary has Obama killed. Likes long walks on the beach.

JOHN EDWARDS (Former North Carolina Senator, Former Vice-Presidential candidate, Cannot communicate with the dead and has never hosted a TV show on Sci-Fi Channel)- Former half of the legendary “flip-flopper duo”, Edwards, aka the Smiler, is a repeat among new programming. Destined to become a reoccurring character among the Democratic Presidential nominations for years to come, Edwards is the day old meatloaf leftovers in the fridge of the 2004 election. After failing to generate significant interest to beat the dullest man on Earth, John Kerry, Edwards became something of a non-entity. He was always moderately interesting as a candidate, but he hasn’t done enough to gain any more interest than the last time. In his off time, Edwards spearheaded a college movement called “Opportunity Rocks!”, designed to encourage college students to get involved with the homeless. Sexy. For a guy planning a second Presidential run after losing as VP in ’04, perhaps something more useful would have been in order.

BARACK OBAMA (Illinois Senator, The top choice of the youth vote as well as the Oprah vote, has been proudly serving America for over 3 ½ years)- You might have heard of this guy. Currently number 2 in the primary polls as well as in fundraising, Obama (sadly not know as B-Rock, but give it time) has become the poster boy for the 2008 Democratic Party. Odds are he will lose in the primaries, but he has become a symbol of change to the Desolation Generation who have been repeatedly alienated from lack of sympathetic politicians. B-Rock’s biggest problem is also his greatest strength- his experience, or lack thereof. After the most disastrous American President in history (time will confirm that), and the dramatic polarization of politics, someone like B-Rock that came in with no baggage and a message of optimism, plus having a healthy dose of charisma, he was a natural to catch the attention of the youth vote, the disillusioned, as well as the story hungry media. Unfortunately with that well hyped naiveté comes the fear that he will become Carter reborn- a good person with good ideals, but little understanding of how to get things done in DC. It also comes with a lack of “cover your ass mentality” as evidenced when B-Rock recently released an autobiography that admitted drug use. Within days, the story had evolved, and instead of a story about Obama overcoming a difficult childhood and breaking free of dozens of pitfalls, the story was that Obama was freebasing coke off of Thai hookers that were shooting ping pong balls out of themselves. This is a slight exaggeration, but sadly not by much. B-Rock still has a chance, but it will all come down to the Desolation Generation’s motivation to get out and vote for him in the primaries, so pretty much no chance at all. An interesting, but complicated possible running mate for Hillary, Obama would add to Hillary’s youth, Midwest, and African-American voter base, but all three bases are already strong for Clinton, and if Obama loses they will naturally congregate to her anyway. There is also the fear that the Cletuses of American will have a hard enough time voting for a white woman, not to mention a white woman and a black man. Plus B-Rock and Hillary seem to hate each other with the burning passion of a sun, which could prove tricky.

HILLARY CLINTON (Senator from New York, Somewhat well known husband, The reasons America is suffering right now according to Republicans)- The clear and undisputed leader in both the polls and in fundraising, raising somewhere around $725 billion dollars. That might be a bit of a high estimate, but the Clinton fundraising machine is well experienced after helping her husband raise millions from Arkansas, a state not traditionally known for its wealth, education, or teeth. Hillary has been the Democratic frontrunner since 1972 (or at least it feels that way) and partly because of that she is a polarizing figure amongst Republicans who like to blame her for everything from invading Iraq to Global Warming to Brittney Spears. Even before Kerry’s run- well trot- towards the White House, Clinton has been speculated to covet the Presidency, something she has never denied. Her record is solid, although not entirely impressive. Like many, she voted in favor of attacking Iraq, as well as authorizing the use of force even before all diplomatic avenues were exhausted; then like almost every Democratic Congressperson, recanted and has since voted against everything Bush has proposed from the increase of troops, to potty breaks for the Cabinet. She is strong behind the scenes, and few can rival her White House experience as First Lady but her politics have become more or less anti-what everyone hates, and pro-whatever everyone likes. In other words, she is a true politician, and has the skill, support, and intelligence to both win the Democratic primary, as well as the Presidency. Plus having Bill as the first First Man would be hilarious.

POURING OUT A LITTE FOR OUR HOMIES (aka HONORABLE MENTION)- Candidates that withdrew or chose not to seek election.

AL GORE (Former VP, Former Senator from Tennessee, Loves wife Tipper a LOT)- After winning the Nobel Peace Prize, the already significant movement to encourage Gore to run again picked up even more momentum. After all, America tried an ignorant, warmonger, good ole’ boy, so it was only fair that the opposite was represented. Despite this, Gore chose to remain on the sidelines and campaign for the awareness of global warming. Hippie.

TOM VILSACK (Former Governor of Iowa, Chairman of the Democratic Leadership Council, Loser)- Considered by many to be the front runner for VP to Kerry before Edwards popularity became obvious. Vilsack was quickly crushed after raising just enough money for a Big Mac value meal (although he was able to super size it). The first casualty of the election, he now supports Clinton.

TOM DASCHELE (Former Senator from South Dakota, Former Senate Majority Leader, Currently unemployed)- After much rhetoric, like Vilsack, Daschele found himself quickly bitch slapped out of the election do to being broke. Now supports Obama.

JOHN KERRY (Senator from Massachusetts, Former Democratic nominee, Dullest man alive)- Despite a crippling lack of charisma, humor, or personality of any kind, Kerry’s plucky go at the White House was set to spawn a sequel. Thankfully he was stopped. Now supports somebody, but the speech of support was so dull no one could follow it.

MARK WARNER (Former Governor of Virginia, Running for Senate seat in 2008, Cited Nancy-boy reasons of not wanting to disrupt family as reason to not run for President)- As a Democrat Warner won the traditionally red state governorship of Virginia, and is well liked by both parties. One of the front runners for a VP-ship. Many outside of the East Coast do not know Warner’s name, but you soon will. Warner is from the forgotten tribe of moderates that once roamed the land freely in great numbers.

For the love of God Iowans, run for your lives. January 3rd is just a few short weeks away. By the end of the January 29th Florida primaries, there should be a clear leader, and all the second tier Presidential wannabes have to decide if it is worth the millions of dollars they will need for that all important moral victory. Fear and common sense never did have much of a place in politics, especially when it comes to elections. I will return with a GOP primer as well that I am looking forward to writing a lot more than I probably should be, so if you liked this blog, look for the next soon.

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GOP Primary Love

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

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Like the unwanted Christmas cards you get from distant family relations or old friends who actually just sent the card in order to open dialogue and ask to borrow something, I am back with my GOP Presidential Primary breakdown. I have been looking forward to writing this for a while now, since the GOP is simply so absurd at times that it lends itself to mockery like butter lends itself to bread.

While the Dems have an established leader board, and barring some major changes, the top 3 candidates are fairly well placed, the GOP primary is much more f-ed up. There are clear leaders, but they differ by region. For example Rudy Giuliani is the overall leader nationwide, but Mitt Romney currently leads in Iowa. There is also a bewildering increase in Mike Huckabee’s numbers, while Fred Thompson’s numbers continue to suffer from his costly mistake of actually appearing and speaking in public. While once the GOP debates focused on how Hillary and the Democrats are responsible for everything wrong in the entire universe from terrorism to the possible arrival of an Earth bound meteor in the year 2348, the candidates seem to have strayed from that tactic and instead decided that highlighting every possible mistake their opponent may have possibly made in their lives, is instead the best tactic to winning the nomination. Make no mistake though, the Democrats are just as bad but the current times and party lines have made the GOP the party of dislike, in the sense that many of the nominees stances are built around what can be seen as dislike of a group or groups; Immigration, gay rights, and Guantanamo Bay guests to name a few. It really isn’t fair to shove all the nation’s civil rights problems on the Republicans, but they deal with them so horribly that it is kinda funny to do so, and since their last nominee is at least partially responsible for a few of the bigger problems, it is fitting as well.

Although the Democratic nominations are heated and there might be some animosity between the candidates, most will be able to put aside their differences once the nomination is firm (and Cabinet positions, plus a VP selection are imminent). In the GOP primary however, it is probably fortunate that dueling is no longer legal or there might suddenly be a shortage of rich white men. Well, no, probably not, but it would be ugly. If they ever decided to serve the candidates alcohol during the debates it would turn ugly. My money would be on McCain though. Old or not, that guy is tough. It would make for entertaining TV though.

Listed in order of overall support, according to www.realclearpolitics.com ‘s average of all the polls together- but with the GOP, there is so much disagreement that an average is the best way to go. Giuliani is the leader in most polls, but some show that both fear and common sense have no place in polling, and thus Huckabee is tied with Giuliani in Iowa while others show him 3rd or 4th. Same for Romney- some polls show him tied or leading in Iowa, but others list him anywhere from 2nd to 5th.

DUNCAN HUNTER (Representative from California, Former Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, Hates Mexicans)- Something of a war hero due to his time in Vietnam as an Army Ranger, Tancredo has since made his political career through support of the military and the troops. Overall a fairly moderate politician on most causes. Most. Staunchly pro-life, attempted to draft a bill that would make abortion murder, Hunter is also well known from proposing the Great Wall of America, a 754 mile reinforced fence that would define the US/Mexico border and protect us from a possible Mongolian invasion from Mexico apparently. He also made headlines for attacking contractors that badly overcharged the government for household items like the infamous $700 nails, $5,000 hammers, and $22,000 mini-fridges; then followed that up by earmarking millions of dollars for the DP-2 aircraft, which has had four test flights since 1991 and four crashes. Sweet irony. Most polls show Hunter near the bottom, and many do not list him at all.

TOM TANCREDO (Representative from Colorado, Evangelical Christian, Also Hates Mexicans)- Possibly best known for being thrown out of the White House by Karl Rove after taking his life into his own hands and screaming at the uber-mensch adviser that illegal immigration equals terrorism, and remarkably did not have is soul swallowed by Rove’s real bosses; Tancredo leans so far to the right he alienated George Bush. Think about that for a moment. Let that roll around in your head for a minute. Feel that cold shiver run up your spine? Ok, get it out of your system. To his credit, Tancredo has always been less concerned with his own political career than doing what he considers right. Unfortunately what he considers right is shared by about 2% of the populations, many of those being out of their fucking minds. A few of Tancredo’s more colorful stances including listing Mecca and other Muslim holy lands as potential first target nuclear retaliation sites, his desire to stop all immigration- both legal and illegal, and that if Congress truly wants to be diverse they should do away with the minority caucuses…because white Congress people are so trustworthy I guess. In the neighborhood of GOP candidates, Tancredo is the curmudgeonly old man that none of the neighborhood kids want to get caught by after kicking their ball in his yard.

RON PAUL (Representative from Texas, Former Libertarian, More Liberal than 50% of the Democratic Candidates)- Because both parties need a Kucinich, Ron Paul find himself moving up the polls due to his promises of doing away with Federal income tax, advocating non-interference in foreign policy, and free candy for everyone! The candy thing is a bit of an exaggeration, but Paul’s ideology is not far off from that. His rhetoric is astounding, and his stances are idealistic, and therefore somewhat impossible to take seriously. There is no question that Paul has done some good as a politician and he has earned a solid cult-like following through his laws to curb the power and influence of Congress people through term limits, as well as regulated Congressional salary increases for inflation only. He also proposed legislation to force a 10 day waiting period between the introduction of a bill and the vote to ratify that bill, in order to give the voters time to thoroughly read the bill. This came as a direct result of the 300 page Patriot Act that was passed within 24 hours, a bill Paul actually read, and so firmly opposed. Paul’s also believes that that the Federal courts should not pass judgments on moral cases such as abortion, same-sex marriage, and religious questions and that should instead be left to the determination of each individual state. All that being said, Paul also said he wants to get rid of the Department of Education, end Federal taxation, and he wants America to become more isolationist when it comes to foreign affairs- all of which sound good but have as much chance of becoming laws as Brittany Spears does of just going away. Paul is one of the most effective politicians in office today, a moderate to the point of possibly being more liberal than conservative, and has repeatedly attempted to stop legislation that has later proven to be unpopular, but despite all that his stances on some things make him seem somewhat radical to the moderate voter. In other words, Paul, Like Kucinich, is talking about radical sweeping changes the government despite the fact that maybe 1 in 5 Americans know his name.

MIKE HUCKABEE (Former Governor of Arkansas, Ordained Southern Baptist Minister, Bat-Shit Crazy)- Currently the fastest rising member of the GOP primary group, but number one among fundamentalist out-of-their-mind-crazies that love Jesus to the point that they will beat you to death if you don’t believe in the charity of Christ. Despite a well received tenure as Governor of Arkansas, plus a somewhat charismatic personality, Huckabee is a believer in Biblical inerrancy. For those unfamiliar with the term, that means Huckabee believes that the Bible is totally without error and free of all contradiction. This includes fairly widespread Christian right wing beliefs such as creationism versus evolution, being Gay is a sin, and other wacky fun. To put it in perspective (although he hasn’t said so) he believes that eating shellfish is a sin (Leviticus), and owning slaves is alright as long as they are from a neighboring state (Exodus). Putting aside the countless criticisms against Biblical inerrancy, including the fact that God made the Catholic Church the seat of God on Earth and yet Huckabee is a Baptist, he has smartly managed to downplay the depths of his beliefs while becoming a gravitating figure for the hardcore members of the Christian right. He states that his religion is not a factor, but the guy believes that everyone that isn’t Christian is going to Hell. Huckabee is also a devout Arkansas Razorbacks fan despite the fact that touching the old “pigskin” is a sin, but whether his sacrificing cows will affect his standing with vegetarians is still unknown. On the plus side he does follow Christian ethics (the listed ones, not the fun add-ons like torture, burning at the stake, and other fan favorites) including the idea that helping people in need, such as immigrants, is his Christian duty, and possibly most important of all Huckabee has been endorsed by Chuck Norris. Yes THE Chuck Norris, the Texas Ranger himself. Huckabee very recently was listed as high as a tie for first in some Iowa straw polls and others show him as a possible 2nd place nationwide, but the majority of national polls list him 3rd or 4th. Once the field narrows a bit, Huckabee’s solid but unimpressive record, plus the whole bat-shit crazy thing, should make the nomination unattainable. At least everyone that doesn’t believe you have the right to stone your neighbor to death if they are idolaters (Leviticus), should hope. That being said, he will be a frighteningly good fit as a VP for Giuliani who needs the appearance of morality to gain the Christian Right vote, plus Huckabee could help Giuliani carry the Southern swing states. Giuliani is pro-choice (for now at least) and Huckabee has said that he would have difficulty accepting a role working for or with someone that accepts abortion. He didn’t say no though…

MITT ROMNEY (Former Governor of Massachusetts, Leading the Iowa Polls, Believes that a Guy Who Quoted Scripture out of a Hat was a Prophet)- Although leading in the Iowa polls, and 2nd in the national polls, Romney is best known as being the “Mormon” candidate, and with Good reason. Although not as bat-shit crazy as, oh say just for example, a Biblical inerrancy believer just for example, Mormons live in their own world, and those religious beliefs continue to hound Romney. As Governor of Massachusetts Romney not only helped balance the budget, but actually helped to create a surplus, but he probably most famous for his fight against gay marriage and civil unions, going so far as to fight his own state’s Supreme Court and enact a law from 1913 that prohibited out of state couple from marrying if it was against that state’s laws- a rule designed to prohibit interracial couples marrying in Massachusetts. Shockingly, using a law that was written to legally discriminate a minority, to discriminate against a minority, did not go over very well in historically liberal Massachusetts. Romney has repeatedly stated that despite his stance he accepts and will protect (most of) the rights of gay and lesbian couple, but like cigarettes, sex, sugar, alcohol, coffee, fun of any kind, and tea, Romney was forced to except the perversions and sins of his voters, so his promise of support has been viewed with skepticism. Putting that aside, the main feature of Romney’s campaign is his Mormon religion, and so much attention is being placed on it, possibly because there is not much else to focus on. His one term as Massachusetts Governor was otherwise uneventful, and when he left office he had a lackluster 42% approval rating. Despite the criticisms against him his stance against gay marriage and his mediocre approval rating in the liberal state of Massachusetts, his stances could actually help him with the more traditional conservative Republican voters, so the criticisms from a liberal state, might actually be benefits for conservatives. Where Romney truly shines though is in the Republican debates. He is open to people, charismatic, and willing to field difficult questions, and on top of that, he is unafraid to drop such bombs as “shucks”, “bologna”, and even once “gee-whiz” (seriously). Although somewhat dated, Romney’s attitude has actually created a good foil against Giuliani’s more “colorful” past and blunt style of speaking. Whether Romney’s charisma can propel him to the White house will be seen, but if Giuliani is elected do not expect Romney to make a VP or Cabinet appearance, as Giuliani will most likely have Romney “disappeared”. Those two do not like each other, and by-golly, they show it.

JOHN McCAIN (Senator from Arizona, Former POW, Roughly 134 years old)- McCain has gone from being the crossover hope of the GOP to another politician in a long line of politicians. Gone are the days when McCain would declare someone “a pompous self-serving son of a bitch” to the media as he did in ’89 with then Moral Majority leader, Paul Werich. Ironically the attitudes and stances that could have helped him in this primary are the stances that led to his loss to Bush, and are precisely the things McCain did away with. In 2000 McCain frequently criticized religious leaders like Jerry Falwell, a noted Evangelical pro-segregationist, one time critic of Martin Luther King Jr., and overall douchebag, yet McCain’s recent campaign may has been seen by many as “jumping the shark” after he accepted an offer to deliver a commencement speech at Falwell’s Liberty University. Once the guy you would expect to fight against social wrongs by finding the culprit and publicly bitch-slapping them, McCain has less resembled a political Batman and instead is more of a political bum, begging for support anywhere he can gain it. Still, this last May fellow Republican John Coryn accused McCain of joining an immigration debate at the last moment for political exposure and McCain diplomatically replied, “Fuck you!”, to the previously bored press corps delight. That is the McCain that at one time was viewed by liberals as the best GOP candidate! He also brought a smile to the hearts of children everywhere with his impromptu song “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran” after being asked his opinion of a possible conflict with Iran. Then when asked if his song was insensitive he followed up with “Insensitive to what? The Iranians?” He also called the Vietnamese “gooks” to a crowd of Asian-Americans and said that then 14 year old Chelsea Clinton was ugly. All in all McCain is a colorful guy with across the line appeal, political savy, and great charisma, but he is absolutely dreadful at running Presidential campaigns- like an alcoholic advertising Mad Dog bad. Although trailing in most polls to Giuliani and Thompson, McCain could probably still beat both of them senseless.

FRED THOMPSON (Former Senator from Tennessee, Well Known as an Actor, Only mediocre success in his Most Difficult Role- that of a charismatic politician)- For several months Thompson was considered the great hope of the GOP. His face was easily recognized due to his acting career, and he had a lengthy career in and out of Washington on top of his acting. For several months as Giuliani and Romney continued to make fun of each other’s haircuts, suits, and occasionally political stances, Thompson rapidly ascended the polls with a brilliant and thoughtful strategy of doing nothing at all. As the mysterious dark horse, Thompson’s campaign crafted an image of staunch conservative values mixed with personality that took no prisoners but heard every voice, or so said his 15 minute campaign video which was put together by Hollywood producers after the original version directed by Michael Bay featured too many explosions, making it hard to hear just how bad ass Thompson was. Thompson managed to keep the mysterious candidate vibe working in his favor despite a fairly light voting record, a scarcity of bills introduced, and a general knack for picking unpopular people to support including Nixon during Watergate and more recently Cheney’s scapegoat-aka Chief of Staff- Scooter Libby. Despite all that Thompson continued to climb in the polls as his much anticipated debut to the debate circuit neared. As the excitement became palpable, Democrats everywhere were pleasantly surprised to see that Thompson had the charisma of a block of wood. A well dressed block of wood sure, but a block of wood nonetheless. Thompson’s numbers have been steadily declining since. The inevitable movie of the rise and fall of Fred Thompson will no doubt capture the drama very well.

RUDY GIULIANI (Former New York Mayor, Has Run for Office as Both Democrat and Independent, Also Known as Rudia When in Drag)- The current leader of the GOP nominees according to national numbers, also the most recognizable of the GOP candidates due to his time as mayor of New York, especially his leadership immediately following 9/11. Besides being the most recognizable, Giuliani is one of the most controversial nominee as well. Adultery, ethical shortcomings, and cross dressing aside, Giuliani’s time in New York was a colorful one, so much so that he declined the position as Secretary of Homeland Security, allegedly because he did not want to go through what would have been a brutal nomination process; instead Giuliani recommended his friend, former NY Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was subsequently discredited for hiring illegal immigrants, and recently plead guilty to two ethical violations. Credited with killing the homeless- er… helping the transients off the street- there is no question that Giuliani’s results as Mayor of NY were generally favorable even if many disliked the way he got there. He has always been brash, outspoken, arrogant, and pushy- in short a typical New Yorker- and that has won him both fans and enemies alike, but he has always had the ability to have people forget that he is a politician, and instead come across as the guy next door. In short he comes across as more human and accessible than the majority of the candidates. He is also a very moderate politician, and has been praised for listening fairly to all sides before making a judgment. Somewhat depressing that it is a praise worthy event if a politician actually bothers to LISTEN to other people, but that alone puts Giuliani above many others in his party and it makes him much more likable than some of his rivals. Love-or-hate personality aside, he has also been criticized for taking credit- or at least more credit than he deserves- for some of his actions, including some of his claims of accomplishments after 911. He has also been known to shift the blame for things that are proven to have been under his control. One infamous example is that Giuliani decided to house the NY Emergency Response Offices at 7 World Trade Center Plaza, despite vocal fears from numerous critics that after the 1993 attacks, the WTC was a prime target (7 World Trade Center was among the buildings severely damaged by the fall of the towers). He is also cited as the person to make the decision not to pay for radio upgrades that would have allowed all rescue personnel to use the same channels, instead opting to keep the radios that became infamous after 911 for their costly inefficiency. To be fair, both are examples seen through hindsight. His personal life will also become something of an issue as he nears the Presidential nomination, what with the pesky adultery and leaving his wife and children for his mistress while in office, not to mention the numerous ethical questions Giuliani has been hounded by throughout his career, plus his own mouth will work against him. Despite that, he is easily the most entertaining and engaging of the GOP candidates, and he has the inside line for the nomination. Despite these criticisms, Giuliani is a politician, and if a fellow GOP politician can advocate anti-gay rights legislation before soliciting sex from an undercover officer in a mens bathroom and then still be nominated to his state’s Hall of Fame, Giuliani can overcome pesky criticisms like being an asshole. In fact the reason so much is being made of his shortcomings is that he is likely to be the Republican nominee, so the media are just warming up and taking their stretches. If he and Hillary both receive the nominations, expect the dirtiest campaign in American history. And that is saying an awful lot.

POURING OUT A LITTLE FOR OUR HOMIES (aka HONORABLE MENTION)- Candidates that withdrew or chose not to seek election:

SAM BROWNBACK (Senator from Kansas, Early Frontrunner for the Evangelical Right Vote, Douchebag)- As a native of Kansas, I say goodbye and good riddance.
JEB BUSH (Former Governor of Florida, Early VP Candidate, Brother of Neil Bush)- Dear God, no more Bushes, no more….

JIM GILMORE (Former Governor of Virginia, Chairman of the Preparedness Council at the Homeland Security Office, GOP Primary First Blood)- After being convinced to form and exploratory committee after numerous “draft Gilmore” movements cropped up, Gilmore formed a committee to explore the possibility of forming a committee to explore a run for the Presidency. The first committee came back favorably, and an exploratory committee was formed. During this time, 7 other candidates emerged, and Gilmore formed a committee to explore other options.

CONDOLEEZA RICE (Secretary of State, Former National Security Advisor, Puppet)- Has said she has not ruled out a run for President, so America went ahead and did it for her.

RICK SANTORUM (Former Senator from Pennsylvania, Coined the Phrase “Compassionate Conservative”, Utter Piece of Shit)- Please go to www.urban dictionary.com and search for “Santorum” for the best possible description. A despicable human being that uses his religion to preach legal intolerance and hatred. In another life under different circumstances, this guy could have been Hitler. If he ever becomes President, Canada will receive at least one new citizen.

And that covers all the major players. This late in the game it really isn’t possible for another challenger to enter the race on one of the party’s dime, so one of the people listed above or in the Democratic Primaries will be the next President. There is also a chance that Nader could shock the world and take the Green Party to the White House- just as there is also a chance that scientists will discover that binge drinking is good for you, fingers crossed- but both seem somewhat unlikely. There is also the chance a rich white guy…an unaffiliated rich white guy that is, could run as an Independent and surprise everyone ala Ross Perot. At least until ninjas in the form of Republican operatives come after the candidates daughter (again, seriously). If that happens, they most likely will not have a chance at the Presidency, but they could and probably will act as a spoiler for someone, so anything could happen. To those that enjoyed reading this, cool. To those that thought it sucked, well, like, that’s just your opinion, man.