Archives; November 2006

(This is one of several old blogs. I am attempting to centralize them, but I copied and pasted the original blog, line for line, and typo for glorious typo. You can find them all, and a LOT more HERE.)

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I am Probably Going to Hell for This One Thursday, November 30, 2006

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I know I just posted earlier today, but I thought I would follow it up with a little something else.  The good news is that this one is all about me, glorious me.  Not about my day to day though; I work, I play, I lose hours of my life at a time due to alcohol induced amnesia.  These things are essentially status quo.  I could go on and talk about the weather, the scenery, my life, but why should I?  Live your own lives you bastards.

As I have stated numerous times, I am a political junkie.  It isn’t just American politics I follow though, nor even governmental politics, and if I learned anything from following politics, it is that the earlier you start the more people will remember your name.  So after seeing Pope Benedict meeting with the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch, I realized that the Pope isn’t looking so hot.  Sure he has only been in office a bit over a year, but time is a like a pimp and the Pope is its whore.  So with that in mind, I would like to officially announce my intention to be your next Pope.  Besides, Benedict looks like a Dark Lord of the Sith.  Go ahead and check.  Seriously, go to Google, type in “Pope Benedict”, and tell me I am wrong.  I’ll wait…………See!  Told you.

I have a few suggestions for the College of Cardinals, and I will forward this message on to the Vatican.  There is one obvious choice for the job of the Pope, and that is of course me.  If you overlook the few minor obstacles like my appreciation for alcohol, drugs, sex, meat, idolatry, defilement, devil rock, sleeping in on the weekends, dislike for most of the human race, meager education, lack of foreign languages,  disrespect for most of the Church, violent tendencies, hatred of authority, and propensity for whoring, then I am a perfect fit.  Oh, and I’m not Catholic, or really even Christian.  Other than that, I don’t know why my phone hasn’t begun to ring yet.

I’m good with people, even though I hate most of them, but that is besides the point.  I could be their new Holy Father and lead them in a different direction.  You have to admit that the Church has been getting a bad rap of late, so the first thing I would do would be to change the image.  To do that, I would begin at the ground level, with a new chain of coffee shops populated by fully naked women serving hot coffee.  For every 20th cup you buy, one mortal sin is forgiven.  Next, the whole birth control thing would be kicked to the curb in favor of the new, “Ass for forgiveness” policy.  I’m still working out the details on that right now, so more will come on that later.

Church officials, members, and neighbors of church members that are guilty of pedophilia will receive the “Mark of Cain”, a new form of justice.  We will take all the marked people and dump them in an area reserved for them.  Somewhere horrible like the desert, an active volcano, or Missouri.  Then we would airdrop in Bibles with bullets, and inform everyone that there was one gun hidden in the area and let them get to it.  The winner, if there is one, will then be burned at the stake as a martyr.

Next I will change Sunday Mass to Wednesday, but still require Sunday to be the day of rest.  Any country that does not consider Wednesday a holy day worthy of closing most major businesses will be considered excommunicated immediately.  Without the Catholic contingency in America, especially the Irish, the alcohol trade will dry up forcing nationwide layoffs.  See how they like that.

Furthermore, drugs will be a sin unless a sample off all drugs are sent to me in the Vatican for immediate blessing.  This includes, and especially refers to pharmaceuticals.  All law enforcement agencies should also be advised that this policy will include all police seizures.  Once blessed, all drugs will be available for pickup after a thorough sampling.  The drugs will be available for retrieval after 6 months from the date that I will decide based on the quality of said drugs.  All drugs will be available for pickup in the Church’s satellite office located in the South Pole.  Any complaints can be directed to Cardinal Youfuckinlookinatme.  Unfortunately he does not speak English, or any other language known to man.  On a totally separate note, with absolutely no connection, I will also be opening a chain of dance clubs across the globe called Daddy Pope’s.

I will forgive all sins if the money is right.  I will bless babies if they agree to a lifetime of servitude, save the lost souls blah, blah, blah.  I’ll even wear that silly hat.  God loves us all, etc, etc, so vote for me.  I bet that I could save a few lost people if they are hot young women trying to confess that they are only happy while doing truly filthy things. I would also dig that every bowel movement I had would genuinely merit the phrase “holy shit”.  I could then sell it on EBay for a righteous profit.

In conclusion I hope that you see, as I do, that the only logical course of action is to choose me for the next Pope.  I am the man to lead the spiritual world into the future, and make a tidy profit along the way.  I should not need to make my point any further, as damning for those that disagree with me will be retroactive after I am sworn in, or elected, or chosen
by God, or whatever.

Thank you and God (or Ryan) bless,
Pope John Paul George Ringo the First.

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Why I Love EBay and Hate Humanity Thursday, November 30, 2006

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Weeks like this always begin so well.  Home for the holidays and time with the family, then back to Portland to resume work.  Things were fine, and then I make the mistake of looking into stuff I probably have no business to look into.  Let me recap.

Over the weekend I saw a movie called “Bobby” about Bobby Kennedy.  The movie was mediocre, but it did get me thinking.  Although Bobby and his brother are long gone, both of their words and ideologies have remained as their legacies.  They both spoke powerfully, and they actually believed in what they were saying.  Now more than ever that is a pleasant change in not only public office, but America in general.  The frightening thing is that Bush does seem to believe most of what he says, foolish and deranged though it may be, he believes it, but unlike Kennedy, and most great orators, Bush’s message is not one of hope while both Kennedys’ words were.  The closest person I see to fill this mold is Barack Obama of Illinois, which is why I support him for President in ’08, whether he runs or not.  Obama has a genuinely optimistic message that he speaks with passion and conviction.  Agree with him or disagree, you must acknowledge his charisma and gravitas.

There are so few messages of hope these days, and the messages of hope that we do generally see are not what they seem.  When was the last time someone asked you to believe in something without immediately following that up by asking for money?  The two things have become nearly synonymous, and if you believe it you cannot do something worthwhile without money, or so it seems.

So after watching clips of Bobby Kennedy, and Barack Obama, I was genuinely optimistic about the future of America, and the world.  It was nice to believe that there are actually people out there that want to do the right thing for the right reasons.  Genuinely stand up people, that show us what it is to be a good person.  Naturally I assume all politicians have skeletons in the closet, but if a President or Senator wants to get a blowjob, well better them fucking an intern than fucking over me and mine.  So despite that, I was encouraged about the potential of humanity, and optimistic about the future.  Then I made the crushingly foolish mistake of checking out EBay.

If you have not seen it, there is a category on EBay called “weird stuff”, and that is a fairly misleading title.  A better one would be “shit that will rattle your faith in humanity”.  While coming off my short peace, love, and puppy dog high, I was brought back to Earth with a thud after seeing some of the things that people are trying to hawk.  After all, who doesn’t want to advertise on a guy that is willing to stick 500 needles in himself while wearing the winning bidder’s corporate logo on him?  For a mere $40,000 you can place a bid for exactly that.  Shockingly no one has bid yet.  Perhaps they are saving their money for the cinetheodolite- a tool that apparently monitors the sky for UFOs- and it can be yours for the very reasonable starting bid of $134,675.

If that isn’t enough to shake your head at humanity, scan on down the EBay lists until you find the stone that looks like Jesus.  Apparently the seller claims this stone was found in a pool of water that appeared just that day.  On the stone is the profile of a man with a beard, and since it was found on the ground, naturally it was a miracle stone placed there by God.  Luckily the man that found the stone, just happens to have studied paleo artifacts, and can confirm that the rock itself is nearly 5,000 years old!  Can you imagine, a rock that is really old?!  And someone carved a face on it that may be Jesus!  Seems reasonable to start the bidding at $75,000.  Much better deal than the magic stone that has an image of Jerry Garcia that you can’t see in pictures, only in person.  That one is starting at $900,000.

The cursed ring (as sworn by a fortune teller) for $35K is interesting, but it can’t hold a candle to the guy that is selling his Master of Philosophy from the University of Windsor, for a meager $25,000.  This is for someone else’s diploma, not any actual information.  Joking aside, a Masters in Philosophy?  $25,000 (which is what the seller claims was the cost in tuition) seems a bit…what’s the word…oh yeah, retarded.  What can you possibly do with a Masters in Philosophy?  Sure a Masters in English isn’t going to drop any panties or get you a new Porsche, but at least it is a bit more general in its applications.  With a Masters in Philosophy, perhaps you can teach, if you can find a Graduate school that still offers an MA in Philosophy.  Personally I am holding out for a doctorate in speed walking.  Great class, I learned a lot.

A lady selling her ass literally- at least the space to tattoo your name on her ass for $8,666 was a good sign of humanity’s future, as was some douchebag selling his  diary- er… sorry, for girls it is a diary, for guys it is a journal.  Anyway, he is selling his personal innermost thought, feelings, etc for the bargain basement price of $10,000.  A lady in Phoenix selling a date with herself for $1,000 was a highlight as well.  She is hot though, so I will let it slide although I can find a similar “date” in the back of the Portland Mercury for much less money, and they offer benefits…

A $500 block of petrified wood from Egypt paled in comparison to the $500 “magical healing crystal”, and while the $460 steel chastity belt for men was amusing, and I enjoyed reading about the HyperDimensional Resonator Psionic box that would pick up psychic energy, as well as time travel disturbances.  It really wasn’t until deep in the site that my faith in the planet dissolved.

I can overlook crushed black velvet paintings of John Ashcroft- hell, I almost bid on it, I even skipped past the numerous gimp masks, penis pumps, and fetish stuff, but there was one item that was just too much.  I can write off the “authentic teleportation device” as just plain crazy talk, but then I came to it.  Perhaps the actual auction header can sum it up better than I can:

A PENIS SHAPED CHICKEN TENDER

Yep, that about says it all.  Current bid is only $11.50, but it is indeed a chicken tender that is shaped remarkably like a penis.  The fact that someone would try to sell this on EBay gives me shivers, but the fact that people are actually bidding on it shakes my faith.  And gives me ideas.

Since people will apparently buy anything, I have a couple of ideas.  I would throw my immortal soul on EBay, but I’m relatively certain there are already a few claims on that.  Does anyone own the moon?  I know America planted flags on it, but does that make it America’s?  If not, maybe I can throw that up on EBay.  How about the air I am breathing?  I can blow into a zip lock bag, and put it on EBay for the starting bid of $10, a very reasonable fee for air from my lungs.  I will volunteer my toe-nail clippings to any and all that would like to use them for voodoo ceremonies, and I will even put an eyelash in for free.  I would sell naming rights to any future children, but someone already beat me to that.

Ok, I’ve got it.  For the starting bid of $20, for one day I will say only the word “melpgarkin”.  Ah, think of the fun.

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The Juice is Loose and other Fun Facts
Friday, November 17, 2006

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I was innocently scanning the news websites to find out which politician was embroiled in a new and exciting scandal (I had my fingers crossed for murder, but I would have excepted prostitution) and I see OJ’s face again.  Oh good.  Perhaps the democrats put him up to it to take attention away from the in fighting that has already begun amongst their ranks, but more than likely OJ is just a whore.

For those of you lucky enough to not have heard, the Juice is back with a knew book called “If I Did It”, which explains how he killed his wife and Ron Goldman-  er… excuse me.  How he would have killed them IF he did it.  Big distinction there.  He is also going to be on Fox News for a two hour- two night interview discussing the book.  Shocking that Fox News, yes THE Fox News would stoop to these levels.  Consider my mind blown.  The network that regularly features Ann Coulter is airing something that redefines scumbaggery, and before you think that they are just airing it because the ratings will be there, consider the fact that the book is being published by Harper Collins, which is owned by News Corp, which also owns Fox.  Must just be a coincidence.  Now that Fox News is losing advertisers, ratings, and has been accused (with proof) of issuing misleading news casts, I expect more good stuff like the return of the Juice.  Maybe they can get Tonya Harding to make another comeback.

Can this guy just go away already?  I’m sure there is a lovely home in Qatar near Michael Jackson, and they could talk all day and compare prison mug shots.  The hilarity would ensue.  At this point, it would not surprise me even a little to see Fox come up with a “groundbreaking new series that dares to go where no series has gone before”:  The Juice and Jacko together for the first time in the buddy cop show “A-holes with Badges”!  It has hit written all over it.  The OJ news makes me sad just thinking about it.  I’m not sure if ironic is even the write word for it, but OJ cannot have an income other than his NFL pension due to the civil suit, so all the profits of the book about killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson (allegedly) will go to Goldman’s family.  That is just twisted.  Well hopefully OJ has some lawyers that are good enough to screw over the legal system and get the murdering scumbag the profits from discussing his murdering ways (allegedly).  He did earn them after all.

I was going to post something about OJ and leave it at that, but then I saw a few more things that caught my eye and shivered my spine.  Sticking with the “ironic” theme, the Pentagon’s money saving travel site that theoretically searches for the absolute best air fares, hotel prices, rental cars, etc, is estimated at saving up to $33mil this year, and up to $74mil next year.  Unfortunately the people that brought you the $400 hammer have a slight mathematical issue.  The system itself is estimated to cost $474mil.  I guess that is the new math Bush keeps talking about.  The Pentagon, in their wisdom, has also decided to follow the Rumsfeld/Bush plan to stay the course, and deny that the system is anything but the bestest thing EVER.  It’s that can do attitude that makes America great.  I guess Orbitz is un-American and a supporter of ter-er-izm.  Go USA!

I keep coming across crap like this as I eagerly await the Dems infighting to begin.  It has started a bit with Steny Hoyer winning the Majority Leader position over Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi’s pick, John Murtha.  Grab some popcorn, enjoy the subpoenas that are coming in the months ahead, and have fun watching the Dems tear themselves apart.  At least there is hope for Fox News.  I have noticed a new phrase on Fox News, or at least a phrase that I haven’t heard much of lately “Some reports”.  It is a great term that is flexible and multi-purposed.  For example, “some reports say that the moon is littered with dead hookers launched from the Democratic National Headquarters”.  “Some reports” could encompass about anyone and anything.  Maybe Joe Smith called Fox News after his 7th tequila and told them he saw Nancy Pelosi turning tricks with Hillary Clinton.  It would be a Fox News exclusive.  At least now that Fox News is suffering, we can look forward to “Terror Alert: Elevated” (has it ever not been elevated?).  If there truly is such a thing as karma, the heads of Fox News should be reincarnated as retard wombats with genetic defects and a habit of running into traffic.  I can’t wait for them to start scaring the shit out of me again with vague threats from somewhere in the Middle East about a possible plan to possibly attack America somewhere.  Damn Democrats, I blame them.